Attention Whore

My days of being an attention whore have not passed.

I seek attention, even unintentionally.

It makes me wonder what my own intentions are. What am I looking for? Validation? Acceptance? A confidant? Entertainment? An attempt to fill the empty gaps in my life? Temporary happiness?

Why do you give me attention? Are your intentions the same as mine?

I am skeptical of my feelings. Do I like you for who you are or the attention you give me?

I want to say I am sincere in my feelings and honest in my intentions, but I can't say it with certainty or confidence.

I shouldn't want attention. It does me no good to find something that will not last. A relationship begins with a strong foundation and has the potential for growth in time.

I need to stop. I don't need attention. I need you.

Miss You or Miss You Not

Missing someone is one of the worst feeling, but it's even more heart aching when you know that person doesn't care.

If I had a choice I rather not miss you. I prefer not to care as you do.

Maybe eventually I'll come to my sanity and the reality that I should no longer care, nor miss you.

My butterflies had warned me this would happen, and I guess it is happening now.

Emotions on Overdrive

I am having the worse period in terms of emotions. I am very moody!

Right now I want to sulk and vent about my relationship. We were separated for a week. We spent thanksgiving apart this year and I enjoyed my time away.

I am back "home" with him and I am sitting around moping. I am not happy to be back. I did not really miss him when I was away and I didn't feel excited to see him when I returned.

I thought about it. I realized I love him but I'm not in love with him. I lost it and I haven't felt it again. It explains why I don't care as much. My mom and bro think I'm mean and ungrateful. I guess I am but I only act on how I feel.

I tell people my relationship is doing well. It's not like we have fights or anything. We just do our own thing, take care of our son, and keep thing as normal as possible. I don't know how he feels really except how he treats me. He takes care of his family and he's considerate about our well being. He cares but is he in love with me? I don't think so and I don't know...

That is what my emotions are focused on at the moment.

You Don't Know What You've Got

An episode of Private Practice tonight, "You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone", got my wheels turning.

Do I appreciate what and who I have in my life as much as I should?
I am grateful for the people in my life and the things I have. I am blessed with more than I deserve. I just complain a lot about everything I lack, but I am beyond rich. I guess that's why I'm still in this relationship. I am appreciative of all the positive things...

Would it matter to you if I wasn't here and doing what I do?
I feel unappreciated most of the time. During my down moods, I do wish I could just disappear. No one will care or miss me when I am gone. No worries, I only sound like a suicidal person.

Taking a Moment

Last night I had my moment... All my emotions I've been holding in came out as tears. I shook in sobs and I tried to keep it silent. He was sleeping next to me and he never knew how distraught I was or have been. I see no purpose in sharing and I doubt he even cares.

Lately, I've been keeping myself busy and hiding my weaknesses. My life would fall apart if I fell apart, so I had to hold myself together as well.

Taking time to have these moments allows me to unload and then gather myself together again. For the sake of others and myself, I need to keep my life going.

I continue to pray...

Weddings

I attended a wedding recently, which brought back mixed feelings.

I love going to weddings because it is such a joyous occasion, but at the same time it reminds me of how my marriage is the kind of the opposite. 

As I observed the couple's embraces, kisses, lovey dovey, and mushiness, I thought about how much of it was real.

Our wedding day was the weakness point of our relationship. Although it was all a show, I was actually happy that day. Who wouldn't be happy to see all their families and friends they haven't seen in a while. It didn't even matter what we were celebrating. Once everyone left and the party was over, we went back to the reality of our marriage. I wish the happiness was more than a day...

Yes, No, Maybe So

I wish finding out how someone really feels was as simple as back in the days when note like this gets passed around.

Now things just get complicated.

You love someone but...
            ...you're not in love with them.
            ...not as much as you should.
            ...they are not in love with you.
            ...they don't love you as much as you do them.
            ...they don't love you .
            ...they love someone else.
...don't know how they sincerely feels!

If I don't know how you feel and you don't tell me, then is there a point to even know how I feel? I shall remain silent.

Yes, I am contradicting myself from the previous blog entries. Oh well...