Because I'm a Girl

Because I'm a girl,
I accept how you feel.
I understand your situation.
I expect nothing.

Because I'm a girl,
I pretend to not care.
I try to not let it bother me.
I hold back how I really feel.

Because I'm a girl,
I feel hurt.
I feign a smile.
I move on.

Attention Whore

My days of being an attention whore have not passed.

I seek attention, even unintentionally.

It makes me wonder what my own intentions are. What am I looking for? Validation? Acceptance? A confidant? Entertainment? An attempt to fill the empty gaps in my life? Temporary happiness?

Why do you give me attention? Are your intentions the same as mine?

I am skeptical of my feelings. Do I like you for who you are or the attention you give me?

I want to say I am sincere in my feelings and honest in my intentions, but I can't say it with certainty or confidence.

I shouldn't want attention. It does me no good to find something that will not last. A relationship begins with a strong foundation and has the potential for growth in time.

I need to stop. I don't need attention. I need you.

Miss You or Miss You Not

Missing someone is one of the worst feeling, but it's even more heart aching when you know that person doesn't care.

If I had a choice I rather not miss you. I prefer not to care as you do.

Maybe eventually I'll come to my sanity and the reality that I should no longer care, nor miss you.

My butterflies had warned me this would happen, and I guess it is happening now.

Emotions on Overdrive

I am having the worse period in terms of emotions. I am very moody!

Right now I want to sulk and vent about my relationship. We were separated for a week. We spent thanksgiving apart this year and I enjoyed my time away.

I am back "home" with him and I am sitting around moping. I am not happy to be back. I did not really miss him when I was away and I didn't feel excited to see him when I returned.

I thought about it. I realized I love him but I'm not in love with him. I lost it and I haven't felt it again. It explains why I don't care as much. My mom and bro think I'm mean and ungrateful. I guess I am but I only act on how I feel.

I tell people my relationship is doing well. It's not like we have fights or anything. We just do our own thing, take care of our son, and keep thing as normal as possible. I don't know how he feels really except how he treats me. He takes care of his family and he's considerate about our well being. He cares but is he in love with me? I don't think so and I don't know...

That is what my emotions are focused on at the moment.

You Don't Know What You've Got

An episode of Private Practice tonight, "You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone", got my wheels turning.

Do I appreciate what and who I have in my life as much as I should?
I am grateful for the people in my life and the things I have. I am blessed with more than I deserve. I just complain a lot about everything I lack, but I am beyond rich. I guess that's why I'm still in this relationship. I am appreciative of all the positive things...

Would it matter to you if I wasn't here and doing what I do?
I feel unappreciated most of the time. During my down moods, I do wish I could just disappear. No one will care or miss me when I am gone. No worries, I only sound like a suicidal person.

Taking a Moment

Last night I had my moment... All my emotions I've been holding in came out as tears. I shook in sobs and I tried to keep it silent. He was sleeping next to me and he never knew how distraught I was or have been. I see no purpose in sharing and I doubt he even cares.

Lately, I've been keeping myself busy and hiding my weaknesses. My life would fall apart if I fell apart, so I had to hold myself together as well.

Taking time to have these moments allows me to unload and then gather myself together again. For the sake of others and myself, I need to keep my life going.

I continue to pray...

Weddings

I attended a wedding recently, which brought back mixed feelings.

I love going to weddings because it is such a joyous occasion, but at the same time it reminds me of how my marriage is the kind of the opposite. 

As I observed the couple's embraces, kisses, lovey dovey, and mushiness, I thought about how much of it was real.

Our wedding day was the weakness point of our relationship. Although it was all a show, I was actually happy that day. Who wouldn't be happy to see all their families and friends they haven't seen in a while. It didn't even matter what we were celebrating. Once everyone left and the party was over, we went back to the reality of our marriage. I wish the happiness was more than a day...

Yes, No, Maybe So

I wish finding out how someone really feels was as simple as back in the days when note like this gets passed around.

Now things just get complicated.

You love someone but...
            ...you're not in love with them.
            ...not as much as you should.
            ...they are not in love with you.
            ...they don't love you as much as you do them.
            ...they don't love you .
            ...they love someone else.
...don't know how they sincerely feels!

If I don't know how you feel and you don't tell me, then is there a point to even know how I feel? I shall remain silent.

Yes, I am contradicting myself from the previous blog entries. Oh well...

Forgotten

Have you forgotten how you broke my heart? Have you forgotten how I cried for days? Have you forgotten how my love died that day? Have you forgotten all our troubles?

As harmless as it may be, he continues to disregard my feelings, poke at my insecurities, and break down a part of our relationship.

I thought he told me she wasn't worth my tears and all the troubles in our relationship.

What is it about her that keeps him attached? Perhaps because she's the hottest one...

It has taken me a year to learn to trust and love him again. Last nite he has proven to me that I can't trust his words. Without that simple trust, how can I continue to love you?

I am learning to love myself and all my insecurities, but will you love me until I learn to love myself?

Feeling Alone

Who do you tell when...

...nothing in your day is going right?
...you're stressed out?
...you have a problem?
...life overwhelms you?
...you're worried about something?
...you're falling apart?
...you feel like crying?

I don't know.

I don't have anyone I am comfortable with, and that I can trust and confide in. I am feeling down, and feeling alone makes it worse.

:-(

Breaking

My mood is getting to me. I probably went a bit overboard, but I'm so irritated.

When we have dinner at his mom's, he makes sure he finishes every grain of rice in his bowl. He even points out that I should finish everything in my bowl as well. I don't care to clear my bowl as long as I finish my food.

Well at home, he wastes food often. He serves himself more food than what he can finish, and then throws away the rest. Seriously? There are many times where he eats late, and then leave the whole pot of food out to spoil. That's my lunch the next day, and maybe even dinner that I have to toss.

Oh and another pet peeve is that he leaves his unfinished bowl wherever he ate it, like the office or the coffee table. Tonight, I was fed up. He was done eating, and left the bowl on the coffee table with a good portion of meat left. I took his bowl and threw it into the sink. Apparently, it broke in the sink because he threw the pieces away when he went over to the sink. For some reason, he was upset about it too. 

It was also our wedding anniversary, and he came home with two slices of cheesecake. It totally slipped my mind until he wished me happy anniversary. I forgot and it doesn't even matter to me.

I'm getting frustrated with all my emotions.
I'm breaking down little by little.

I am F.I.N.E.

F.I.N.E. = Feelings Inside Not Expressed or Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional

I am not comfortable in telling him how I am feeling. I don't know why. Maybe I think it doesn't matter for him to know. He rarely asks how I feel, even when he knows I'm upset. I figure he just doesn't care to know.

Well my feelings have not changed since the previous post. I think it has gotten worse with little, everyday irritations with him. I avoid him as much as possible when I am in a bad mood, and it may not necessarily because of him.

We rarely spend time together when we do have time. For example, today he spent almost the whole day in front of his computer in the office. He probably did some work but it was mostly playing games, watching movies/shows, and football drafting. The little munchkin wanted to go to play outside, and he didn't even have time for that.

I made lunch and did my own thing. I had some M.E. time, and then took the little guy to the park. It was nice to get away from the house and him. My mind was more at ease, not thinking about anything but enjoying the day.

Honestly, I hate to admit that I would leave this relationship if I find happiness somewhere else. My feelings are still not as strong as they should be...

In the meantime, I am F.I.N.E.

A Moment to Cry

I have been trying to stay strong, supportive, and optimistic. I keep myself busy and go about my life as if things will work itself out.

If I allow my mind to take a moment to think about the current situation, I will cry, like at this moment. I am overwhelmed with a sense of pain, sadness, helplessness and hopelessness. Although, I am not the one in the terrible situation, without a doubt I would trade places.

For a love one I would sacrifice myself.
Let me be the one to feel all the pain.
Let me be the one to lose hope.
Let me be the one to suffer.
To see you better.
To see you happy.

End of the moment.
I have to move on from this moment, and wipe away my tears.
I will continue to pray and hope for the best.

Word of the Day

cathect

\ kuh-THEKT \  , verb;

1. To invest emotion or feeling in an idea, object, or another person.

I realized that life is too short to keep how you feel about someone inside. I think I express my feelings more freely than before, to friends, family, and love ones. 


I regret not being more opened in the past.

 

Pet Peeve

One of my pet peeves is worrying about people who don't care that you're worried.

I guess I am definitely a mother because most moms have that issue. I know my mom did. When I was younger, I made her worry often and I continue to do what I wanted to do.

Maybe I need to just back off and chillax. I don't want to care or worry anymore, if you don't.

Brave & Love

I just watched Brave tonite, and I loved it! Disney should make more movies like Brave. Usually when you think of a princess movie, you expect there to be a prince charming that comes to the rescue and they fall madly in unrealistic love. Well Brave was the complete opposite. She was the heroine, strong and independent, and there was none of that falling in love bullshit.

The movie made me realize how I'm so dependent on others for my happiness and love. I call it being emotionally high maintenance. All those past guys who lavished me in attention and feelings reinforced my need for those, to the point where I have accepted the fact that I am high maintenance. I am drawn to those who give me those attention/feelings that I am lacking, and I find it ridiculous of me. I have "withdrawals" when I don't get all that attention and love, and I become more insecure and unhappy. I shouldn't need those validations to be happy or to feel loved. I don't want to be that girl anymore, especially being in this relationship now. I want to be happy.

A friend told me I need to love myself first and be happy being alone. Well loving myself is going to be a long working process, and I am in a relationship so I can't be alone. I think I can at least come to accept myself and make my own happiness, no matter who I'm with.

It's human nature to have the need to be accepted, supported, and loved by others. The priority should be to self first.

Therefore, I shall love myself and I shall love others. It's the key to my happiness.

Five Years and Going...

This month is our anniversary of 5 years since we first met at Denny's for cheesecake one late night, and it's our first anniversary of our marriage. I can't believe we have been together for half a decade! Although, we have only been married a year it seems longer because nothing really changed except my name.

Here's to another year of more changes for the better.

Broken Strings

"...Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us..."

I Wish I Felt the Same

"2 years ago today I got to marry my best friend :) what a wonderful 2 years it has been and man have they flown! (Insert husband's name), I love you more today then I did that day ♥ thank you for making me fall in love with you every day :) happy anniversary my love! here's to many more :) " 

I took this from a friend's facebook status. I see quite a few of these with similar magnitude of affection. When I read this, I realized I can't even say this to him, and about our relationship. I wish I felt as much love as she does about her husband, but I just don't. It's quite sad how my feelings have changed over time from all the things we have gone through. I guess the only good thing I can say is that our relationship haven't gotten worse, nor better. It's kind of existing, day by day, with some minor ups and downs. Maybe one day, a flood of feelings will come back to me and we will be happy again. Maybe this is why I am still here, holding on.

Less

I talk less.

I miss less.

I care less.

I love less.

Not a good sign, but how do I change that?

Blue Kite

Strolling by a tree, I spotted a bright, blue kite tangled in the branches.
The string dangled down low enough to reach it.
I pulled, I tugged, and I wiggled.
It loosen between the branches,
And moved down closer.
A slight sense of hope.
Still entrapped, I yanked at it some more.
The more I pulled, the more it resisted.
Now, it was hopeless.
With a sigh, I let go.
So silly for me to even hold on,
Because it was never mine to begin with.
I walked away...
Maybe I will see the kite again.

Enchanted to Meet You

You never know who you will meet. Someone who may change your views, beliefs, feelings, and life.

Smile at every stranger that may pass you by. Get to know that person you have never thought about.

I was enchanted to meet you...

Some Days Stay Gold Forever

"We're standing in a light that won't fade,
Tomorrow's coming but this won't change,
Cause some days stay gold forever.
The memory of being here with you,
Is one I'm gonna take my life through,
Cause some days stay gold forever.

I won't, I won't let your memory go cause your colors they burn so bright,
Who knows, who knows what tomorrow will hold but I know that we'll be alright

Butterflies, butterflies..we were meant to fly,
You and I, you and I..colors in the sky,
We could rule the world someday, somehow but we'll never be as bright as we are now."
- The Wanted "Gold Forever"

This is my current theme song!
I love the message in these lyrics, and the mention of "butterflies" is extra kudos.
It makes me look at my current situation and my whole life in a more optimistic light. I feel happier when I hear this song.


*dances, twirls, flaps my wings*

Playing on my Mood Swing

I'm pushing myself on my mood swing with these ridiculous thoughts!
Frustrated with myself! I shouldn't care! I should just let it go! I should just accept it! But here I am dwelling on these hopeless thoughts of mine! Why do I even bother?

After I'm done being angry and frustrated with myself, I will go and sulk about it. Maybe for a slight moment, I will appreciate all that is good. Once I'm over that, I will go back to being upset at myself because I am not over it yet.

I'm swinging back and forth through these emotions, and it's just foolishness!
Aaarrrgggghhhhhh!

Nevertheless, all of these thoughts and emotions shall remain contained. They do more harm than good, so I rather be the only one who knows.

Forever & Always

I will love you forever.
I will love you always.

It's the romantic love mutually expressed between two individuals. I have heard these words and I have used them before. I observed and experienced how love can falter and break, so I no longer believe such love can last forever and always. Those who have spent almost their whole life together "in love" are exceptions, right? I am skeptical of their bond, but maybe I've grown to be a pessimist in that area.

I believe in my love for others and things, and some of those can be everlasting.

I do not believe in you and your "forever and always."

*Waves*

As I strolled across the sandy beach, I noticed a lonely starfish hanging out on a small rock. I decided to take a seat next to it, and admire the scenery. Before I knew it, the sun was casting an array of colors as it went down in the horizon. The colors ran through the surface of the water, so you couldn't tell where it ended and the sky started. Beautiful...and it disappeared. I left the starfish to the glow of the moon.

The next day, I returned to the same spot and found the starfish waiting for me. I smiled at it, sat down, wiggled my toes in the sand, and watched the sun slid away across the sky. The tides were high enough to tickle my toes, so I knew it was time to go. The starfish remained on the rock as I walked away.

The following day, I visited that small rock on the beach and found the starfish basting in the golden glow, "Hello, my friend!" I nestled my bottom into the sand nearby, and started drawing in the sand with a twig. I drew a butterfly before leaving the starfish for the night. I whispered, "Good-bye, my friend," and glanced back to see the starfish softly illuminating in the moonlight.

On the third day, I skipped happily across the sand to the small rock, but found it vacant. Where was my starfish? I looked around the rock, but no sign of my five legged friend. I plopped down to where I usually sat, and noticed my butterfly drawing had also disappeared. The tides had washed it away and most likely the starfish left with it. *sighs* I stared off into the distance and watched the sunset in solitude. Maybe a part of me was hoping the starfish would return soon, but once the moon appeared I accepted the fact that starfish was gone for good. I sent a message into the night, and hoped the waves will carry them to my friend, "I will miss you."

Goodbye

I close my eyes, so I don't see you leave.

 I bite my tongue, so I won't tell you to stay.

 I clasp my hands, so I can't reach for you.

 I stand here, so you can find me.

I wait, so you can return.

I breathe, so life will go on...


"As You Turn Away" - Lady Antebellum
The perfect song to accompany this blog.

The Hardest Thing...Pretending

"We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And, baby, it's killing me, it's killing you
Both of us tryin' to be strong
I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
And someone else who loves me
And trusts me fast asleep
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

Chorus :
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry
I can't let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

I know that we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr. Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
'Cause there can be no happy ending

Chorus

Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to, I can't stay
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that"

-98 Degrees (The Hardest Thing)


I shouldn't say more than this...

My Highs and Lows

Lately, I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions. I have been on a high for the past couple of days. Today, I am dropping down to another low. It's frustrating that I can't keep myself from falling.

Happiness is not constant. It will fluctuate like everything else in life, but happiness should never drop below a certain point. I've been below that point, and I have a hard time finding things to lift me back up. I know I am in control of my happiness...

An important part of being happy is being honest to others and myself.

Honestly, I am not as happy as I should be. Am I not grateful or appreciative enough of what I have? I don't know...

Hopefully, I will figure it all out soon. Until then, I am a sad panda...

:-(

Reflection

"...There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside..."
- Christina Aquilera (Mulan "Reflection")

You can't go wrong with a Disney movie.

I remember the first time I saw this movie and heard this song...I cried.
It touched me...because it was exactly how I was feeling at that time.

Well I'm back to being that girl...
Pretending, hiding, and not knowing...

I Won't Give Up

"...I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got
Yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend
At least we did intend for us to work, we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who i am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up..."
-Jason Mraz (I Won't Give Up)

I haven't given up yet. I'm still hanging on, and hoping things will work out for the better.
I want to trust, fall, and love all over again.
It takes mutual efforts, so I hope my efforts are not in vain.

Raindrops

Oh how I miss the rain right now.

When it's raining, I can stand outside and no one can tell if they're rain drops or tears rolling down my cheeks.

I can cry and pretend the Earth is feeling all my emotions, and the sky is crying with me. I don't feel so alone.

I need you.
I wish you were here.
I miss you, rain.

Frustration

I am so frustrated...with my thoughts, my feeling, and the things I do. Basically, I'm frustrated with myself.

What is the purpose of all of this?
What am I suppose to learn?

When I look back at this moment, will I see a girl who is wiser or just foolish?

Biting My Tongue

I realized I've been opening my mouth too much and sharing more of myself than I should. It puts me into undesirable situations sometimes, which occurred in this case.

I tend to reciprocate the openness of the other person. The more they share, the more I feel comfortable in sharing as well. In this current situation, I've decided it would be best to "bite my tongue". I have to censor the things I say from now on, including my blogs to some extent.

I catch myself often, and I'm learning to replace it with a nod and smile. I will have to find another outlet for those thoughts. Perhaps a more private journal or share them with Secret Bear. :-)




Not a bad sacrifice to keep things at "peace."