Undeserving

I'm emotionally high maintenance, and I will admit that. 

I know I express how I feel by the things I do and say. I express more when I'm happy than when I'm distraught. 

Blatantly saying that I rarely express my feelings shows how much you even notice the things I do and say or I'm not meeting your standards. 

I guess I can't expect more than what I deserve. I deserve very little for the kind of person I am. I shouldn't care...

Taking a Chance

I agreed to give him a chance, and he agrees I should give him a chance too.

We both have to stop talking to each other, and the mere thought of doing that makes me sad already. It's ridiculous! How do I give him a fair chance if I miss and think about someone else?

I will be sad the whole time or I will realize I am happier where I am at. At the moment, I can see myself being sad until I break. I don't want to be sad...

Who You Love

I will love who I love...

Thankful for Love

 

I realized I rather be with someone I love or no one at all, rather than try to love someone again. I am more certain of this decision that I took another step in the relationship on the eve of Thanksgiving. The moment felt right, and the memories feel surreal. 

Like every Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the people I love.

Say Something

Driving back to my hometown to visit my family, I heard this song on the radio. Right away, I thought about him. It made me sad...

I told him my decision, and I have to give up on him. I think he is trying to do the same. It is hard to do so, for both of us.

It feels too nice when I hold his hand, stroke his face, look into his eyes, hug him, and kiss him. 

I do need him to "say something" to make me feel assured of my decision, whether it's to be with him or to be without him.

I want him to say he will love me and he will be there for me. I know I am ready for that long term commitment, but I can't force him to do that when he's not ready or if he doesn't love me the same.

Unconditional Love

I love my boy unconditionally. I love my parents and brothers unconditionally. I can't stay that about anyone else. I may love and care for others, but not unconditionally.

My head and heart fought continuously about my dilemma, and I sort of arrived at a decision. I picked the one I love unconditionally. I will sacrifice my own happiness to be with my son, because I know he will always bring me happiness when others don't.

Our last argument made me realize that he doesn't love me enough. It's one thing to piss me off but it's other thing to hurt me enough to make me cry. I don't see our relationship working out, and I don't trust him enough that he would make it work. I can't trust to tell him how I feel or think, without him judging me. A best friend would be honest and support me, rather judge me negatively multiple times. It was hurtful, and I can't continue to love someone like that.

I love him and I have a hard time stopping, but I have to let go of people who are not good for me in my life.

I Can't Do This Anymore.

I've been trying really hard to sympathize when he avoids me for more than a day.

It's best for him to not be in this kind of relationship. I know I've hurt him enough, and he deserves to be happier. It's best for him in the long run. He will be happier without me. I have to let him go, even though my heart is protesting. I have to hide how I feel...how sad I am and how much I miss him dearly. I have to hold it back and all the tears. We will both get over these rough times soon, and it will hurt less. We can't even be friends right now either. I understand that, as much as I want him around. I can't expect anything from him anymore. I can't expect him to be there. I can't have the same expectations I have a friend. I need to stop caring about him as much as I do, because it would drive me insane. He will eventually not care anymore, and I need to stop too.

The idea of stopping myself from caring and loving him, makes me sad. Love is such a precious thing to ever end, and we have to end it. I know I will always love him but it won't be the same again once it's over.

*sighs*
I'm waiting for this time to pass. I don't want to deal with this much heartbreak. I know things happen for a reason, and I hope I don't regret my decision.

Admit It

If I stopped feeling...
If I stopped caring...
If I stopped talking...
If I stopped being there...
It wouldn't make much of a difference to you,
As my heart is in pieces.
Your life will go on,
As mine is left with an empty space.

"This is what makes us girls
We all look for heaven and we put our love first
Somethin' that we'd die for, it's our curse
Don't cry about it, don't cry about it
This is what makes us girls
We don't stick together 'cause we put our love first
Don't cry about him, don't cry about him
It's all gonna happen" - Lana Del Rey
(This Is What Makes Us Girls)

I Wanna Be Happy

I am trying to do what I can to make myself happy. I've been doing a lot of selfish things where I am hurting or have the potential of hurting others in the process. When I stop to analyze my life, I would hate myself. I don't know what to do. I know I need to make some changes to be happier in the long run.

I need help...

Throw Rocks at You

Top 10 Issues

1. What hurts the most is wanting more than what I can ever have.

2. I care more than you do. 

3. It's a hard realization that things can never be what I want it to be.

4. I can't say out loud who is my "fav person".

5. I feel alone.

6. When I feel down, stressed, overwhelmed, or emotional, I have to keep it to myself.

7. I don't want to hear "I love you" at all if you love someone else, more or less. I guess it does bother me.

8. I feel like I am settling or hoping it will work out.

9. Hate my hormones!

10. I have to pretend I am swell when I'm really not.

Maybe I just need to cry it all out.

True Love

I dedicate this song to him. The song says it all!

Made Up

I rather fight with you than not have you in my life.

Our little fights are pointless, silly, or misunderstood. I'm glad we make up after because I love him too much to stay upset. Maybe he does care after all...

I feel happier knowing we're still "friends". It's also a great feeling to be in love with someone...with him.

"Who cares?"

Tuesday early morning around 5am, I was disrespected once again by his inconsiderate and insensitive big mouth. I can take a joke but if I'm not in the mood and I tell you repeatedly to stop, you should stop. Instead, you offended me again. Then to make matters worse, when you knew I was upset by all the name calling, you continue to joke about it because you did not care I was upset by it.

Every tear I cried because of you, a bit of my heart breaks and I love you a little less. I couldn't stand it anymore. I stared at the "unfriend" button on facebook and thought about how I might regret it later. I recalled the incident... He doesn't care about my feelings, so why I should I stick around and allow myself to get hurt by this type of "friend". I clicked "unfriend" and his profile picture and name disappeared from my list of friends.

Deep down I still love him and I miss him dearly. Then I realize the person I am missing doesn't give a rat's ass about me. Would he even realize his mistake? Would he even attempt to apologize? Would he change his ways? Would he fuckin' care?

I know I was the one who unfriended him on facebook, and told him to never talk to me again. If you love someone, and you know it's your damn fault, then you would try to make it right. I have hopes that he truly loves me like he said, but I might disappoint myself with such high expectations.

He does not fuckin' care!
I need to learn to not care either.

Never Ready But Bring It On!

Five years ago, if you asked me if I'm ready to have kids, I will tell you "heck no!"

During the 9 months I was pregnant, I had to prepare myself. I had to face motherhood no matter what. I had to endure the late nights, breastfeeding, spit ups, poops, crying, lack of sleep, and everything in between. No one can really get ready for that kind of stuff.

Through it all, I don't regret my decision. The cute smiles, contagious laughter, big hugs, sweet kisses, and silliness made every moment worth it!

Today, if you ask me if I'm ready to have more kids, I will tell you, "No, I'm not ready to double my workload." Nevertheless, I love kids and I do want more. Somehow through sweat and tears, they will make my life more fulfilled.

Bring it on!

Enough is Enough

One of those moments where I feel like I've just had enough.

Have I not been caring and accepting enough? Am I not nice enough? Did I not show you how I feel?

I do not need anyone judging me and the people I choose in my life. I do not need anyone to be negative and hurtful towards me. I do not need anyone who doesn't respect, care and love me. I don't need any of it. 

You have the option to leave, and so do I.

Enough is enough.

Change

Today I will stop my nonsense. 

Things may change or nothing changes. 

We will see. 

My Bad!

It was my fault for talking to you for hours and hours. 

It was my fault for leading you on. 

It was my fault for sharing my life with you.

It was my fault for caring for your well being. 

It was my fault for pushing you to do more. 

It was my fault for expressing my emotions. 

It was my fault for meeting you. 

It was my fault for spending time with you. 

It was my fault for hugging you so much. 

It was my fault for "accidentally" kissing you.

It was by fault for kissing you more. 

It was my fault for falling for you.

It was my fault for telling you how I really feel. 

It was my fault for saying "I love you."

It was my fault for wanting to see you every moment I got. 

It was my fault for loving you. 

It's all my fault! 

Hurts Most

"The thing that hurts most is pretending it doesn't."

Pretends...
I don't love you as much.
I don't care about you.
I don't care that you don't care.
I'm not upset when you don't want to be with me.
I'm not irritated when you ignore me.
I don't miss you.
I'm not disappointed you don't miss me.
I am not angry about the mean things you said.
I'm fine.
I'm not hurt...

"Best way to not get your heart broken, is pretending you don't have one." -Charlie Sheen

What Am I to Do?

I remember all the times I was so upset that you weren't here. I tried to forget you, even though I find myself randomly thinking about you often. When I thought I finally gotten over you or gotten used to the idea that you are not going to be around much, you returned. Then there I go again, falling head over heels for you. Caring for you a bit more than I did before. As unexpectedly as you came, you left.  After so many times, you would think I would be used to it by now. Nope, it just gets harder every time.

This time it's worse, because I've fallen in love. I am bruised and my heart might be broken. What am I suppose to do now? Go crazy praying for you to return? I don't know if it's going to be a couple of days, weeks, or months. Should I learn to love someone who is not always around? Should I get over my feelings so I don't miss you? Move on and put you into my past?

What am I to do?

Let Me Be Sad

"...no perspective, childish as fuck. act like the world is ending bc i didnt see you one day..."

I get it. I'm not a child who throws a tantrum when I don't get my way. I understand the situation, but it doesn't mean I can't be sad about it. 

If you had any idea how much I care and how every moment matters, you wouldn't be so upset at me. I don't see you often and if I could see you everyday I would. Maybe it's not a big deal to you because you don't care as much, but it is to me. It makes me sad you have issues that you have to deal with and I can't see you. It makes me sad to think that it might be more than just a day. Not knowing when you may leave or return is nerve wrecking. It makes me sad that you are not happy. The thought of not caring and loving you is unimaginable. The possibility you may not care or love me anymore is unbearable. Am I being selfish and "childish" for being sad about this situation? If you want to be upset at me because I am sad, then fine! 

Let me be sad because I care...

I Stand Alone

Here I am again, standing alone in the middle of nowhere.
I've been walking back and forth, not really knowing where I belong.
I'm starting to realize that it isn't so bad here.
It's quiet and peaceful.
I don't need company here.
Being alone is kind of liberating.
Maybe I belong here...alone.

I don't have to worry.
I don't have to trust. 
I don't have to lie.
I don't have to care.
I don't have to pretend.
I don't have to cry.
I don't have to love.

I only have to live for myself.

Living Without Regrets

Although life would be less complicated if you weren't in it, I would not change a single thing. I would still want to meet you that night and chat for hours. I would still want to spend all my days and nights conversing about every random topic. I would still want to argue and fight with you about pointless things. I would still want to see you over coffee or a study session. I would still want to hug you and "accidentally" kiss you again. I would still want to miss you and hate you for leaving me.

If I could do it all over, I would do it with you. I choose to love you, even if my heart may shatter into pieces. I rather not live with any regrets, so I shall love you.

I know I am so indecisive!

"All of Me"

I've learned to wear my heart on my sleeves. I share all of me to those I care about and who I think cares in return. Once that is no longer the case, I close myself off and keep my heart safe and concealed. 

I am at the point where I want to shut myself in again, because I see no point...

Current mood: disheartened

Pick One or Neither

I am unhappy with my relationships, but I don't know what to do. Am I not grateful for what I have?

Option #1: I am not in love with him anymore, although I still care. I don't think he's in love with me either. We haven't been able to connect very well.

Option #2: In love with him but I don't think he loves me the same. He's a part of my life but not completely either. We seem to live in the moment, and I still feel alone most of the time.

Should I pick one and continue to work on it? Should I pick neither and be alone? I don't know what will make me happy. All I know is that I am unhappy now.

Disappointed

How disheartening it is to wear your heart on your sleeve and trust without a doubt, and then discover it was all a lie. Oh how the heart breaks...

This is another case to where my feelings of distrust in a relationship is reinforced. I know not everyone is the same, but it's difficult when I've gone through my own share of lies and keep hearing about others.

Although, I am a lie. My whole life is one big lie. I am disappointed at myself as much as I am with others.

Sweet X's

I am sad that something so wrong can feel so right.

It has been over two years since I have felt such sweet kisses. 

I restrain myself often because I know I could lose myself in the moment. 

Is it a moment of lust? A moment of love? A moment that will soon pass? 

My heart and brain is still battling it out. I don't know who to believe yet. 

Just Smile

When you have to get through the day without breaking down, you just have to smile. I know I hide behind my smiles often, no matter what I'm going through. I do have my moments of weakness where everything pours out from my eyes, but I do that alone.

I am touched and overwhelmed with emotions when I see those who are going through tougher times smile. They smile because they are blessed for that moment they have. They smile regardless of their troubles. They smile because there is more to life to live for. They smile because they have hope. They smile because it is one of the few things in life they can control.

I cried when I saw my mom smiling in a photo. I can't imagine what she is going through, physically and mentally. In those couple of seconds, she smiled through it all. You can never tell what someone is enduring in their life when they smile.

For you, I will pray. For you, I will smile.

I Need to Stop

All this feeling of love seems kind of ridiculous.
I want to hug, hug, hug, kiss, kiss, kiss, love, love, and love.
It's silly, and I don't want to feel silly.
I want to stop, and be more reserved about expressing my feelings.
The less he knows about my feelings, maybe the less he will love me too. Although it's not my goal, I know it would be for the best.

Emotional Wreck

The deeper the feelings, the greater the emotional challenges...

What feeling do I want to feel at this moment? Pick from the list below and think of a reason.

Sad
Guilty
Selfish
Happy
Angry
Frustrated
Excited
Lonesome
Heartbroken
Overwhelmed
Worried
Hopeful
Loved
...etc.

If I'm lucky, I will feel one thing at a time. Lately, I've been feeling many emotions all at once. Mostly negative ones too. *sighs*

Letters to Brain & Heart

Dear Heart,

I am concern about your reckless actions. I can't trust you. Are you certain of your feelings? I don't know if I can trust how you feel anymore. Whatever you think you are feeling is jeopardizing all of us. Would you be able to sacrifice yourself? I need you to break...

Sincerely,
Brain

Dear Brain,

I love...and I acted on love. I can't stop these feelings. I don't want to risk hurting anyone, so I will try to end it. It will be difficult. For us, I will endure the break and the gruesome pain associated with every piece. I hope you lead us to happiness, one day.

Love,
Heart

Only Because I Love You

You only love me because I love you.

Would you love me if I didn't love you?

Would you care for me if I didn't care for you?

Would you be there for me if I wasn't there for you?

If I didn't, I don't think you would have.

You only love because I love you. 

I am Emo

I am drawn back to blogging and writing in my private journal whenever I am emotional.

All I want to do is vent about my life, and I realized I can't bother people with it. If only I could afford to pay someone to sit and listen to it all, I would. No one really wants to hear every little issue I have, because they may have greater issues of their own or they have better things to do.

You would think in marriage you would always have a confidant, but that is not always the case. I don't trust him enough. I am not comfortable to do so. I doubt he even cares to listen. Sometimes he's the problem, and even then he doesn't care to talk about it. He already thinks I complain too much already. More reason to not "complain" about my life to him.

I sound like a drama queen in my blogs, but I'm really not. I keep a lot of things to myself, and pretend to people that my life is dandy, which isn't always a good thing to do either. Would you rather I pretend everything is okay or complain about every issue I have?

Once I get out of this emo state I will be back to thinking more positively about life. Until then I will "whine"...

Any Reason to Cry

Sometimes when I have so much stress, frustration, and emotions bottled up inside for a while, anything can trigger those tears.

Today, a lame movie did it. It was something I would not shed a single tear for if it was some other day. I was sitting there crying my eyes out, not knowing why exactly this movie was making me cry. I realized it wasn't about the movie...it was me.

I forced myself to stop crying because I felt ridiculous. Now I feel like I have a big knot in my throat because I don't think I'm done crying.

I hate crying over my stress, frustration, and issues. It just makes me feel self centered and vain. There's more to life than me, so I shouldn't be crying over my life.

Give me any reason other than my own to cry about...

Can't Close Your Heart

January 26, I said it....

Now I feel even more guilty but what can I do...

So What?

I am lazy when I want to be.
I fall asleep when the movies bore me.
I get cranky when I'm hungry.
I forget when I'm thirsty.
So what?

I complain when things are not perfect.
I get bossy when I want it my way.
I argue when I disagree.
I am stubborn when I want to be right.
So what?

I yell when I don't get my point across.
I bitch when I am frustrated.
I slam things when I'm angry.
I punch walls when I can't take it anymore.
So what?

I avoid when I'm not in the mood.
I shut down when I'm sad.
I hide when I cry.
I pretend to be happy when I feel hopeless.
So what?

Wide Awake

"Falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9
I'm wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I'm wide awake
I am trying to hold on
I'm wide awake
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I'm wide awake
But I'm not blind anymore...
I'm wide awake" 

-Katy Perry

What is Love?

At first I wasn't sure what love is exactly. I've been trying to figure that out for the longest time. When do you know when you love someone versus liking someone? Can you love someone you barely know or never met? Can you stop loving someone? How much can you love? Does love conquer all? What is love? There are so many questions on this topic, and we all have different opinions.

I've come to form my own answers. I can't answer them all here in this entry, but I will start.

I believe love is an infinite energy and our capacity to love is endless. We can love God, family, friends, partners, pets, strangers, etc. It's pure and takes many forms, from a lending hand to a stranger to the bond between a mother and child. How much one loves someone ranges. People have defined it with different terms, but love is love. The amount of love for someone can change but it never ends.

(to be continued)

Let us all love freely and love endlessly.

A Selfish Heart

Discourses in the night
Meetings under the moon
What I felt was simply right.
I pour my heart and tears,
But words cannot depict
All that is inside and true.
I construct a wall
To shield my emotions
And protect me from yours too.
Cherishing the moments
Taking pleasure across the distance.
Don't break it down.
I cannot endure
If the wall were to shatter
Let's not risk this fragile heart.
Then I realized I am selfish.
Unaware of the other heart here.
Sustaining this bond between you and me.
Maybe you feel what I do not.
Enduring more I can understand.
Although my heart is selfish,
I will let you go.
The wall did not prepare me for this.
What I fear the most,
I must now feel.
It is not only about me.
I am sorry.
I will let you go.