Moving on...once again!

Oh, how many have come and gone...
Actually, I've been the one who has been leaving them.

There's always something with each relationship that makes it unsuccessful. It's usually the chemistry, attraction, and compatibility. I move on from one guy to the next.

I am in the midst of moving on again from a guy whom I am totally in like with. We dated for a week, and when I found out he doesn't want anymore kids, I had to break it off. A month later, he found me and we started talking again, supposedly as friends. Well one thing led to another, and we were seeing each other again. I kept reminding myself I need to end it. I can't repeat this similar situation again. It has been difficult to let go...

We have such great chemistry together. I miss the way he cuddles with me, and how he holds me. I miss the random kisses on my head, shoulders, and lips. I miss talking to him. I miss him, period.

At the moment, I can't give up the plan of having another kid. I have hope of finding love and having another kid. I really need to move on from this one, so I am ready for the right one to come along.

I've done this so many times, I can do it again now! I...must...not...contact...him....

Another Came and Gone

Last Friday I said good bye to another guy after dating him for about 2 months. Communication wasn't the way I want it to be and I needed it to be better than what I had before. I rather leave it than work on changing it. It doesn't mean I am going to run from every prob I have with a guy though. 

I miss talking and hanging out with him. Maybe I just miss the idea of spending time with someone I like. 

I miss his dog too. She was sweet. 

I am ready to move on again. There are days where I feel like it's hopeless but I need to be more patient. 

Fingers crossed. 

Direction

I am heading in the right direction.

Another week and a half, and I will be moving.
I am letting him go and getting over him.
I am breaking my ties...

I'm figuring out my new life. It seems like there's a lot I need to do, but I am getting it done.

I am proud of myself for having the courage to do this.
I am doing it for myself, and indirectly it will be good for everyone else. 

I am already looking forward to my new positive direction in life.

The Giving Tree

If all you wanted was love
Why would you use me up
Cut me down, build a boat, and sail away
When all I wanted to be was your giving tree
Settle down, build a home, and make you happy?

Losing Love

I wish we had a fight. I wish I was angry at you. I wish I hate you, so that losing you wouldn't be so hard. In my past long term relationships, they were always bad falling outs. It made moving on easier. Now I know how it feels to simply lose love...just like that.

Am I suppose to let all of these feelings go? How? 

*sighs*

Time to Toughen Up

I know what I need to do, and I am going to do it.

Life has a way of working things out. Yes, my pregnancy wasn't planned, but I gave birth to the love of my life. I had to postpone completing my education, but I finished it eventually and I started my career. My marriage failed, but I found love again. Although this love has been complicated, I don't know what will happen to it yet. Life never goes as planned or on my schedule. As long as I have my goals in mind, I will achieve them sooner or later.

I want to be married to someone I love and who loves me in return. I want to have at least one more child. I want to own a home and raise my family. I want to continue to be passionate about my job. I want to remain close to all sides of my family. I want my happily ever after.

I know what I need to do to get there.

In Pieces

I want to smash my heart into little pieces as my life breaks into pieces. Maybe then, it would stop hurting. I don't want to feel anymore.

It's hard to pretend to love someone when you don't, and it's harder to pretend to not love someone when you do.

I've been sad... I've been finding other things in life to keep me happy, but overall I am sad. I don't know what to do.

30, A Turning Point

I am coming to a big milestone in my life...turning 30! How time has flown by. I want to rewind back the time to when I was a kid again. At home with my family and playing with my brothers, with no care in the world.

Time to face reality and my ever changing life. It is a turning point, where I hope to find greater happiness. I know things will need to fall apart first, before they come together again.

I feel pressured with the ticking of the clock to get my life together quickly. I want to find someone I can be happy with, and have a family. I don't want to rush anything, but I do wonder how quickly I can find someone, get to know them, develop a serious relationship, get married, and get pregnant again.

Another part of me feels like I don't deserve any of it. At 30, I wanted to have a happy family with kids, and a career. Yet, here I am breaking up a family and chances of having more kids. Maybe I am not grateful enough for what I have, and this is the best it will get.

Unhappy birthday to me...

Independence

While home alone today, I twisted my ankle. I fell to the ground and cried, not only in pain, but I realized no one cares. They are not suppose to care and they have no reason to care.

I need to grow up and deal with it all. It's my problem, and no one else. I was careless and sprained my ankle.I sucked it up, stopped crying, and crawled into bed. I took a nap and slept through the pain.

I have ended all my relationships. I need to learn to be more independent again. Being in a relationship and living with someone has made me lazy and more emotionally dependent. I have to do things for myself and deal with my issues. This also means I will be blogging more...

As I adjust to the challenges of this independence, I am feeling crappy.

What I really miss most about a relationship is loving someone. I want to give him my attention, hugs, kisses, and do thoughtful/sweet things. Getting those things are nice, but giving them makes me happier. I will be sadder now.

I will miss him...

Selfishness

My selfishness...
My happiness..
I made decisions for it all.
Why do I find myself sad, lost, and alone?
Hurting those I love...
Tell me, there is good in this misery.
Tell me, this is for the best.
Tell me, they will be better...
All because of my selfishness. 

Differences

You look into my eyes and tell me you love me.
I love you too.

BUT...

I want a family.
You do not.

NOW...

I have to decide.
You have to decide.

The relationship will not work with this difference.

:-(

Love Will Remember

"...You said you loved me,
I said I loved you back,
What happened to that?
What happened to that?

All your promises,
And all them plans we had,
What happened to that?
What happened to that?

Boom gone,
Yeah, we move on
Even if we try to forget..."

A Rainbow Reminder

I ended last night in anger, frustration, disappointment, and heartache. Then I woke up this morning with "closure", more from his end than mine. I felt more sad and disappointed. I tolerate so much from my long term relationships, and I expect the same from someone who says they love me. If they are not understanding and willing to work through our issues, then I can't do anything about it. Plus, I was getting to the point of being unhappy with how he thinks so negatively of me, and the things he would say.

While driving to work this morning, I saw a rainbow. It reminded me that I'm starting a new beginning and life will change for the better. I'm going through a rough transition, but I know I will be happier soon.

One week....that's all I've needed before and that's all I will need now.

Is It Worth it?

I'm making decisions and finally taking actions to improve the happiness in my life. In this process, I am losing people left and right, which makes me more depressed than ever. Is my happiness even worth these losses?

In the long run, things will be better and people will understand...

I'm trying to convince myself this will be true.

:-(

Spoke Too Soon

After a weekend with my gf and conversations about men and relationships, I finally made a decision about my future. I want more kids and a family, because that's what will make me happy.

He can't guarantee that he would be ready for that, and he's "leaning towards having no kids". He suggested we end it, and I guess I agree. We shouldn't waste each other's times if we have different plans.

I am very sad and heartbroken.

This is my downfall before I find my happiness...

Spoiled with Love

I spent another lovely 3 day weekend with him. He made me cookies and pizza, and got me my favorite chocolates. A happy tummy makes for a happy me. :-)

He makes me happy. Maybe it's not seeing him everyday that makes our weekends together so lovely. All I want to do is snuggle and chat with him, and the day would be perfect. I hope it doesn't change once we start seeing each other everyday.

I feel loved. Maybe it's my delusional state of being in love. I love his hugs and kisses, and I will miss him tons. I don't know if I can go through 2 months without seeing him.

Being in love is such a warm feeling, and I hope it never goes away.

A New Year and a New Beginning

I told him my final decision, and restated it during our counseling session. I don't need to hide or lie anymore. He knows now, and it's a heavy weight off of my shoulders.

He's not trying anymore, so it's back to our pre-break up status. We are able to keep our issues to ourselves without anyone knowing. I can feel the tension and awkwardness there sometimes.

Next step is to plan out our legal divorce, which I will have to initiate. I haven't decided when it would be a good time for me to move out without interrupting our daily life. The most logical time would be end of the school year, during the summer.

All these changes scare me, and I can't believe I am going to do this. Everything I envisioned for my future is going to change, and I know things will work out for the better. There is going to be many challenges this year to get things on the right track again.

I am more hopeful that I will be happier.

Confession

I took a step forward on a path unknown, but towards happiness I hope. I told him today of my decision to end the relationship. Although, we still need to finish up our discussion, at least he knows.

I feel extremely guilty, horrid as a person, and sad. I feel alone in the whole ordeal and there's no one close by to help me. Since my intentions are to move out, I cannot call this home mine anymore. I am homeless... It took me so long to find a home to call my own and now I have to start a new one. I guess it's a sacrifice I have to take.

I am filled with mixed emotions, and I am sure this is hard on him too.
Next step, planning the separation...

:-(

2014 Wishes

If stress wasn't the cause of "it", then it's the result of "it".

Great way to start 2014...

I feel like shutting down from people and my personal life right now. I feel alone in my life even though I have support. No one understands me or things I'm going through. No one but me. 

This year is going to be unpredictable for the most part. I wish I have everything planned but I am living day by day, or even at most week by week. I wish I knew...

Right now, I know I'm unhappy and uncertain. I can't do much at the moment except to ignore it and focus on other things. 

My family and I made it through 2013 and it went pretty well. Wishing my family the best in 2014 no matter what happens to me.