Wide Awake

"Falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9
I'm wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I'm wide awake
I am trying to hold on
I'm wide awake
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I'm wide awake
But I'm not blind anymore...
I'm wide awake" 

-Katy Perry

What is Love?

At first I wasn't sure what love is exactly. I've been trying to figure that out for the longest time. When do you know when you love someone versus liking someone? Can you love someone you barely know or never met? Can you stop loving someone? How much can you love? Does love conquer all? What is love? There are so many questions on this topic, and we all have different opinions.

I've come to form my own answers. I can't answer them all here in this entry, but I will start.

I believe love is an infinite energy and our capacity to love is endless. We can love God, family, friends, partners, pets, strangers, etc. It's pure and takes many forms, from a lending hand to a stranger to the bond between a mother and child. How much one loves someone ranges. People have defined it with different terms, but love is love. The amount of love for someone can change but it never ends.

(to be continued)

Let us all love freely and love endlessly.

A Selfish Heart

Discourses in the night
Meetings under the moon
What I felt was simply right.
I pour my heart and tears,
But words cannot depict
All that is inside and true.
I construct a wall
To shield my emotions
And protect me from yours too.
Cherishing the moments
Taking pleasure across the distance.
Don't break it down.
I cannot endure
If the wall were to shatter
Let's not risk this fragile heart.
Then I realized I am selfish.
Unaware of the other heart here.
Sustaining this bond between you and me.
Maybe you feel what I do not.
Enduring more I can understand.
Although my heart is selfish,
I will let you go.
The wall did not prepare me for this.
What I fear the most,
I must now feel.
It is not only about me.
I am sorry.
I will let you go. 

Because I'm a Girl

Because I'm a girl,
I accept how you feel.
I understand your situation.
I expect nothing.

Because I'm a girl,
I pretend to not care.
I try to not let it bother me.
I hold back how I really feel.

Because I'm a girl,
I feel hurt.
I feign a smile.
I move on.

Attention Whore

My days of being an attention whore have not passed.

I seek attention, even unintentionally.

It makes me wonder what my own intentions are. What am I looking for? Validation? Acceptance? A confidant? Entertainment? An attempt to fill the empty gaps in my life? Temporary happiness?

Why do you give me attention? Are your intentions the same as mine?

I am skeptical of my feelings. Do I like you for who you are or the attention you give me?

I want to say I am sincere in my feelings and honest in my intentions, but I can't say it with certainty or confidence.

I shouldn't want attention. It does me no good to find something that will not last. A relationship begins with a strong foundation and has the potential for growth in time.

I need to stop. I don't need attention. I need you.

Miss You or Miss You Not

Missing someone is one of the worst feeling, but it's even more heart aching when you know that person doesn't care.

If I had a choice I rather not miss you. I prefer not to care as you do.

Maybe eventually I'll come to my sanity and the reality that I should no longer care, nor miss you.

My butterflies had warned me this would happen, and I guess it is happening now.

Emotions on Overdrive

I am having the worse period in terms of emotions. I am very moody!

Right now I want to sulk and vent about my relationship. We were separated for a week. We spent thanksgiving apart this year and I enjoyed my time away.

I am back "home" with him and I am sitting around moping. I am not happy to be back. I did not really miss him when I was away and I didn't feel excited to see him when I returned.

I thought about it. I realized I love him but I'm not in love with him. I lost it and I haven't felt it again. It explains why I don't care as much. My mom and bro think I'm mean and ungrateful. I guess I am but I only act on how I feel.

I tell people my relationship is doing well. It's not like we have fights or anything. We just do our own thing, take care of our son, and keep thing as normal as possible. I don't know how he feels really except how he treats me. He takes care of his family and he's considerate about our well being. He cares but is he in love with me? I don't think so and I don't know...

That is what my emotions are focused on at the moment.