Only Because I Love You

You only love me because I love you.

Would you love me if I didn't love you?

Would you care for me if I didn't care for you?

Would you be there for me if I wasn't there for you?

If I didn't, I don't think you would have.

You only love because I love you. 

I am Emo

I am drawn back to blogging and writing in my private journal whenever I am emotional.

All I want to do is vent about my life, and I realized I can't bother people with it. If only I could afford to pay someone to sit and listen to it all, I would. No one really wants to hear every little issue I have, because they may have greater issues of their own or they have better things to do.

You would think in marriage you would always have a confidant, but that is not always the case. I don't trust him enough. I am not comfortable to do so. I doubt he even cares to listen. Sometimes he's the problem, and even then he doesn't care to talk about it. He already thinks I complain too much already. More reason to not "complain" about my life to him.

I sound like a drama queen in my blogs, but I'm really not. I keep a lot of things to myself, and pretend to people that my life is dandy, which isn't always a good thing to do either. Would you rather I pretend everything is okay or complain about every issue I have?

Once I get out of this emo state I will be back to thinking more positively about life. Until then I will "whine"...

Any Reason to Cry

Sometimes when I have so much stress, frustration, and emotions bottled up inside for a while, anything can trigger those tears.

Today, a lame movie did it. It was something I would not shed a single tear for if it was some other day. I was sitting there crying my eyes out, not knowing why exactly this movie was making me cry. I realized it wasn't about the movie...it was me.

I forced myself to stop crying because I felt ridiculous. Now I feel like I have a big knot in my throat because I don't think I'm done crying.

I hate crying over my stress, frustration, and issues. It just makes me feel self centered and vain. There's more to life than me, so I shouldn't be crying over my life.

Give me any reason other than my own to cry about...

Can't Close Your Heart

January 26, I said it....

Now I feel even more guilty but what can I do...

So What?

I am lazy when I want to be.
I fall asleep when the movies bore me.
I get cranky when I'm hungry.
I forget when I'm thirsty.
So what?

I complain when things are not perfect.
I get bossy when I want it my way.
I argue when I disagree.
I am stubborn when I want to be right.
So what?

I yell when I don't get my point across.
I bitch when I am frustrated.
I slam things when I'm angry.
I punch walls when I can't take it anymore.
So what?

I avoid when I'm not in the mood.
I shut down when I'm sad.
I hide when I cry.
I pretend to be happy when I feel hopeless.
So what?

Wide Awake

"Falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9
I'm wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I'm wide awake
I am trying to hold on
I'm wide awake
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I'm wide awake
But I'm not blind anymore...
I'm wide awake" 

-Katy Perry

What is Love?

At first I wasn't sure what love is exactly. I've been trying to figure that out for the longest time. When do you know when you love someone versus liking someone? Can you love someone you barely know or never met? Can you stop loving someone? How much can you love? Does love conquer all? What is love? There are so many questions on this topic, and we all have different opinions.

I've come to form my own answers. I can't answer them all here in this entry, but I will start.

I believe love is an infinite energy and our capacity to love is endless. We can love God, family, friends, partners, pets, strangers, etc. It's pure and takes many forms, from a lending hand to a stranger to the bond between a mother and child. How much one loves someone ranges. People have defined it with different terms, but love is love. The amount of love for someone can change but it never ends.

(to be continued)

Let us all love freely and love endlessly.