Let Me Be Sad

"...no perspective, childish as fuck. act like the world is ending bc i didnt see you one day..."

I get it. I'm not a child who throws a tantrum when I don't get my way. I understand the situation, but it doesn't mean I can't be sad about it. 

If you had any idea how much I care and how every moment matters, you wouldn't be so upset at me. I don't see you often and if I could see you everyday I would. Maybe it's not a big deal to you because you don't care as much, but it is to me. It makes me sad you have issues that you have to deal with and I can't see you. It makes me sad to think that it might be more than just a day. Not knowing when you may leave or return is nerve wrecking. It makes me sad that you are not happy. The thought of not caring and loving you is unimaginable. The possibility you may not care or love me anymore is unbearable. Am I being selfish and "childish" for being sad about this situation? If you want to be upset at me because I am sad, then fine! 

Let me be sad because I care...

I Stand Alone

Here I am again, standing alone in the middle of nowhere.
I've been walking back and forth, not really knowing where I belong.
I'm starting to realize that it isn't so bad here.
It's quiet and peaceful.
I don't need company here.
Being alone is kind of liberating.
Maybe I belong here...alone.

I don't have to worry.
I don't have to trust. 
I don't have to lie.
I don't have to care.
I don't have to pretend.
I don't have to cry.
I don't have to love.

I only have to live for myself.

Living Without Regrets

Although life would be less complicated if you weren't in it, I would not change a single thing. I would still want to meet you that night and chat for hours. I would still want to spend all my days and nights conversing about every random topic. I would still want to argue and fight with you about pointless things. I would still want to see you over coffee or a study session. I would still want to hug you and "accidentally" kiss you again. I would still want to miss you and hate you for leaving me.

If I could do it all over, I would do it with you. I choose to love you, even if my heart may shatter into pieces. I rather not live with any regrets, so I shall love you.

I know I am so indecisive!

"All of Me"

I've learned to wear my heart on my sleeves. I share all of me to those I care about and who I think cares in return. Once that is no longer the case, I close myself off and keep my heart safe and concealed. 

I am at the point where I want to shut myself in again, because I see no point...

Current mood: disheartened

Pick One or Neither

I am unhappy with my relationships, but I don't know what to do. Am I not grateful for what I have?

Option #1: I am not in love with him anymore, although I still care. I don't think he's in love with me either. We haven't been able to connect very well.

Option #2: In love with him but I don't think he loves me the same. He's a part of my life but not completely either. We seem to live in the moment, and I still feel alone most of the time.

Should I pick one and continue to work on it? Should I pick neither and be alone? I don't know what will make me happy. All I know is that I am unhappy now.

Disappointed

How disheartening it is to wear your heart on your sleeve and trust without a doubt, and then discover it was all a lie. Oh how the heart breaks...

This is another case to where my feelings of distrust in a relationship is reinforced. I know not everyone is the same, but it's difficult when I've gone through my own share of lies and keep hearing about others.

Although, I am a lie. My whole life is one big lie. I am disappointed at myself as much as I am with others.

Sweet X's

I am sad that something so wrong can feel so right.

It has been over two years since I have felt such sweet kisses. 

I restrain myself often because I know I could lose myself in the moment. 

Is it a moment of lust? A moment of love? A moment that will soon pass? 

My heart and brain is still battling it out. I don't know who to believe yet.