Hurts Most

"The thing that hurts most is pretending it doesn't."

Pretends...
I don't love you as much.
I don't care about you.
I don't care that you don't care.
I'm not upset when you don't want to be with me.
I'm not irritated when you ignore me.
I don't miss you.
I'm not disappointed you don't miss me.
I am not angry about the mean things you said.
I'm fine.
I'm not hurt...

"Best way to not get your heart broken, is pretending you don't have one." -Charlie Sheen

What Am I to Do?

I remember all the times I was so upset that you weren't here. I tried to forget you, even though I find myself randomly thinking about you often. When I thought I finally gotten over you or gotten used to the idea that you are not going to be around much, you returned. Then there I go again, falling head over heels for you. Caring for you a bit more than I did before. As unexpectedly as you came, you left.  After so many times, you would think I would be used to it by now. Nope, it just gets harder every time.

This time it's worse, because I've fallen in love. I am bruised and my heart might be broken. What am I suppose to do now? Go crazy praying for you to return? I don't know if it's going to be a couple of days, weeks, or months. Should I learn to love someone who is not always around? Should I get over my feelings so I don't miss you? Move on and put you into my past?

What am I to do?

Let Me Be Sad

"...no perspective, childish as fuck. act like the world is ending bc i didnt see you one day..."

I get it. I'm not a child who throws a tantrum when I don't get my way. I understand the situation, but it doesn't mean I can't be sad about it. 

If you had any idea how much I care and how every moment matters, you wouldn't be so upset at me. I don't see you often and if I could see you everyday I would. Maybe it's not a big deal to you because you don't care as much, but it is to me. It makes me sad you have issues that you have to deal with and I can't see you. It makes me sad to think that it might be more than just a day. Not knowing when you may leave or return is nerve wrecking. It makes me sad that you are not happy. The thought of not caring and loving you is unimaginable. The possibility you may not care or love me anymore is unbearable. Am I being selfish and "childish" for being sad about this situation? If you want to be upset at me because I am sad, then fine! 

Let me be sad because I care...

I Stand Alone

Here I am again, standing alone in the middle of nowhere.
I've been walking back and forth, not really knowing where I belong.
I'm starting to realize that it isn't so bad here.
It's quiet and peaceful.
I don't need company here.
Being alone is kind of liberating.
Maybe I belong here...alone.

I don't have to worry.
I don't have to trust. 
I don't have to lie.
I don't have to care.
I don't have to pretend.
I don't have to cry.
I don't have to love.

I only have to live for myself.

Living Without Regrets

Although life would be less complicated if you weren't in it, I would not change a single thing. I would still want to meet you that night and chat for hours. I would still want to spend all my days and nights conversing about every random topic. I would still want to argue and fight with you about pointless things. I would still want to see you over coffee or a study session. I would still want to hug you and "accidentally" kiss you again. I would still want to miss you and hate you for leaving me.

If I could do it all over, I would do it with you. I choose to love you, even if my heart may shatter into pieces. I rather not live with any regrets, so I shall love you.

I know I am so indecisive!

"All of Me"

I've learned to wear my heart on my sleeves. I share all of me to those I care about and who I think cares in return. Once that is no longer the case, I close myself off and keep my heart safe and concealed. 

I am at the point where I want to shut myself in again, because I see no point...

Current mood: disheartened

Pick One or Neither

I am unhappy with my relationships, but I don't know what to do. Am I not grateful for what I have?

Option #1: I am not in love with him anymore, although I still care. I don't think he's in love with me either. We haven't been able to connect very well.

Option #2: In love with him but I don't think he loves me the same. He's a part of my life but not completely either. We seem to live in the moment, and I still feel alone most of the time.

Should I pick one and continue to work on it? Should I pick neither and be alone? I don't know what will make me happy. All I know is that I am unhappy now.