Never Ready But Bring It On!

Five years ago, if you asked me if I'm ready to have kids, I will tell you "heck no!"

During the 9 months I was pregnant, I had to prepare myself. I had to face motherhood no matter what. I had to endure the late nights, breastfeeding, spit ups, poops, crying, lack of sleep, and everything in between. No one can really get ready for that kind of stuff.

Through it all, I don't regret my decision. The cute smiles, contagious laughter, big hugs, sweet kisses, and silliness made every moment worth it!

Today, if you ask me if I'm ready to have more kids, I will tell you, "No, I'm not ready to double my workload." Nevertheless, I love kids and I do want more. Somehow through sweat and tears, they will make my life more fulfilled.

Bring it on!

Enough is Enough

One of those moments where I feel like I've just had enough.

Have I not been caring and accepting enough? Am I not nice enough? Did I not show you how I feel?

I do not need anyone judging me and the people I choose in my life. I do not need anyone to be negative and hurtful towards me. I do not need anyone who doesn't respect, care and love me. I don't need any of it. 

You have the option to leave, and so do I.

Enough is enough.

Change

Today I will stop my nonsense. 

Things may change or nothing changes. 

We will see. 

My Bad!

It was my fault for talking to you for hours and hours. 

It was my fault for leading you on. 

It was my fault for sharing my life with you.

It was my fault for caring for your well being. 

It was my fault for pushing you to do more. 

It was my fault for expressing my emotions. 

It was my fault for meeting you. 

It was my fault for spending time with you. 

It was my fault for hugging you so much. 

It was my fault for "accidentally" kissing you.

It was by fault for kissing you more. 

It was my fault for falling for you.

It was my fault for telling you how I really feel. 

It was my fault for saying "I love you."

It was my fault for wanting to see you every moment I got. 

It was my fault for loving you. 

It's all my fault! 

Hurts Most

"The thing that hurts most is pretending it doesn't."

Pretends...
I don't love you as much.
I don't care about you.
I don't care that you don't care.
I'm not upset when you don't want to be with me.
I'm not irritated when you ignore me.
I don't miss you.
I'm not disappointed you don't miss me.
I am not angry about the mean things you said.
I'm fine.
I'm not hurt...

"Best way to not get your heart broken, is pretending you don't have one." -Charlie Sheen

What Am I to Do?

I remember all the times I was so upset that you weren't here. I tried to forget you, even though I find myself randomly thinking about you often. When I thought I finally gotten over you or gotten used to the idea that you are not going to be around much, you returned. Then there I go again, falling head over heels for you. Caring for you a bit more than I did before. As unexpectedly as you came, you left.  After so many times, you would think I would be used to it by now. Nope, it just gets harder every time.

This time it's worse, because I've fallen in love. I am bruised and my heart might be broken. What am I suppose to do now? Go crazy praying for you to return? I don't know if it's going to be a couple of days, weeks, or months. Should I learn to love someone who is not always around? Should I get over my feelings so I don't miss you? Move on and put you into my past?

What am I to do?

Let Me Be Sad

"...no perspective, childish as fuck. act like the world is ending bc i didnt see you one day..."

I get it. I'm not a child who throws a tantrum when I don't get my way. I understand the situation, but it doesn't mean I can't be sad about it. 

If you had any idea how much I care and how every moment matters, you wouldn't be so upset at me. I don't see you often and if I could see you everyday I would. Maybe it's not a big deal to you because you don't care as much, but it is to me. It makes me sad you have issues that you have to deal with and I can't see you. It makes me sad to think that it might be more than just a day. Not knowing when you may leave or return is nerve wrecking. It makes me sad that you are not happy. The thought of not caring and loving you is unimaginable. The possibility you may not care or love me anymore is unbearable. Am I being selfish and "childish" for being sad about this situation? If you want to be upset at me because I am sad, then fine! 

Let me be sad because I care...