Confession

I took a step forward on a path unknown, but towards happiness I hope. I told him today of my decision to end the relationship. Although, we still need to finish up our discussion, at least he knows.

I feel extremely guilty, horrid as a person, and sad. I feel alone in the whole ordeal and there's no one close by to help me. Since my intentions are to move out, I cannot call this home mine anymore. I am homeless... It took me so long to find a home to call my own and now I have to start a new one. I guess it's a sacrifice I have to take.

I am filled with mixed emotions, and I am sure this is hard on him too.
Next step, planning the separation...

:-(

2014 Wishes

If stress wasn't the cause of "it", then it's the result of "it".

Great way to start 2014...

I feel like shutting down from people and my personal life right now. I feel alone in my life even though I have support. No one understands me or things I'm going through. No one but me. 

This year is going to be unpredictable for the most part. I wish I have everything planned but I am living day by day, or even at most week by week. I wish I knew...

Right now, I know I'm unhappy and uncertain. I can't do much at the moment except to ignore it and focus on other things. 

My family and I made it through 2013 and it went pretty well. Wishing my family the best in 2014 no matter what happens to me. 

Undeserving

I'm emotionally high maintenance, and I will admit that. 

I know I express how I feel by the things I do and say. I express more when I'm happy than when I'm distraught. 

Blatantly saying that I rarely express my feelings shows how much you even notice the things I do and say or I'm not meeting your standards. 

I guess I can't expect more than what I deserve. I deserve very little for the kind of person I am. I shouldn't care...

Taking a Chance

I agreed to give him a chance, and he agrees I should give him a chance too.

We both have to stop talking to each other, and the mere thought of doing that makes me sad already. It's ridiculous! How do I give him a fair chance if I miss and think about someone else?

I will be sad the whole time or I will realize I am happier where I am at. At the moment, I can see myself being sad until I break. I don't want to be sad...

Who You Love

I will love who I love...

Thankful for Love

 

I realized I rather be with someone I love or no one at all, rather than try to love someone again. I am more certain of this decision that I took another step in the relationship on the eve of Thanksgiving. The moment felt right, and the memories feel surreal. 

Like every Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the people I love.

Say Something

Driving back to my hometown to visit my family, I heard this song on the radio. Right away, I thought about him. It made me sad...

I told him my decision, and I have to give up on him. I think he is trying to do the same. It is hard to do so, for both of us.

It feels too nice when I hold his hand, stroke his face, look into his eyes, hug him, and kiss him. 

I do need him to "say something" to make me feel assured of my decision, whether it's to be with him or to be without him.

I want him to say he will love me and he will be there for me. I know I am ready for that long term commitment, but I can't force him to do that when he's not ready or if he doesn't love me the same.