Dear Heart

You are ridiculous. Quit falling for all the wrong guys! Why do you fall so easily? It's dumb! Why would you care for people who don't give a damn about you. You are wasting your love. Let's learn to love those who deserve it. 

Love, 

The Brain 

Letting Love Go

I got sick this week and yesterday I took a day off to recover. He got off work and didn't consider visiting his sick gf. He had plan on sleeping over Thurs becuz he had volleyball game and has to sleep early. It was convenient to stay at my place. I was bothered and sent him some moody pms text about how he doesn't care and this relationship is to kill time. He agreed and decided to break up with me by deleting things off his fb and Instagram. How fucking immature is that? I freaked out and texted him. He finally unravelled and revealed how we are sexually incompatible and that we want different things in life (e.g. kids and husband) I had a sense he didn't care as much. In my moment of weakness I mentioned that I love him. I think that's why I'm butt hurt by his willingness to give all of this up. 

Tonight he brought my things and key back. I told him he can leave it in my patio. I was hoping he would knock on my door and want to work things out but I was being too hopeful. 

I think this is for the best. I'm more ready to let go this time compared to before. It was a nice two months. I hope he regrets what he let go. 

I know damn straight I'm worth it. He was too immature to see it. He had other priorities in life and I wouldn't have been happy living that way. 

Letting another love go. On to happier beginnings. 

Getting Through PMS

I realized that every month it gets hard to deal with my relationship. I am pessimistic about every aspect of it. I distance myself and I think the worst of him. It's terrible...

If I can make it through about a week of it then everything is dandy. When I get to see him, things do get more positive. 

For example, this week I was feeling like crap. I felt my life was the same way. I didn't see my boo since Sunday and I didn't think I would see him until Saturday. He did come by Thursday night and made me feel a whole lot better. By Friday and the weekend, I was a happy camper. Today while at his place, I wrote 8 little sweet messages on sticky pads and placed it around for him to find when he gets home. He loved it. 

There were many random times where those 3 little words wanted to come out but I held my tongue. I want him to feel it without any ideas from me. I don't know if he would ever say it but I am content waiting it out. It'll be worth the wait! 

Bite my Tongue

I've been catching myself thinking and saying to myself the word "love" and with him in mind. Am I being ridiculous? It feels natural for me to think and say it. I can't do it... Because I don't think he feels the same. 

It was this past week, Wed, that he said "I miss you" in person. I was walking out of the kitchen when he caught me and pulled me back. For a second, I thought he was going to say and said "I love you." I guess I was being too hopeful. It was sweet nevertheless. It would be sweeter to hear him say those other words. 

I'll try to hold off and bite my tongue when the thoughts come. 

Some Kind of Love

I swear I don't fall in love easily.
I've been dating this guy off and on since October and now we are in a relationship. There are times when we are cuddling or when I'm thinking of him, that I want to say "I love you". The way he hugs me, caresses me, and kiss me makes me head over heels.

He said he may have been in love once when he was younger, but he has never been in love since then. I find that unbelievable. He has been in many relationships. I am curious what the issues were.

Would he know that he is in love when he feels it?

I am trying to not smother him with all my feelings, so I try to hold back a bit. I give him some time to himself, and not text him constantly. If I had a choice, I would want to see him like every day, cuddle with him to sleep every night, and kiss him every morning when I wake up.

I know at this stage the love I feel is not the deep feelings I had with my exes. It is still the love where I care about the person passionately. I am not going to be sharing this with him, because I think he already knows how much I like him. I question how much he likes me though...I can tell he's not as experienced in being in a serious long term relationship.

I wonder if he would say "I love you" first if we ever get to that point. I don't know how long I can hold that in.

Happy Now, Worry Later

On January 10th, 2015 I decided to be happy now and worry about the future later. As cliche as it may sound, life is too short to be unhappy. It is better to make the wrong decision than regret not making that decision.

I don't know what's going to happen in a couple of months, a year, or years from now.
I love to love, and I want to love him.

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb!

Dumb, dumb, and dumb all around! Great way to start the new year, right?

I am asking to get hurt. I made a decision to basically live in the present and be happy. I'm ignoring all possible negative consequences.It is definitely not the smartest idea.

I am not the type of person who can detach my feelings from it, so this whole situation will be affecting me. I am basically denying it, and lying to myself. So far I am a terrible liar!

Last night, I had a dream I was posting a status update on my Facebook, and it read, "know your worth".
Do I value my worth? If I did, would I do this?

I don't know what to believe. A part of me tells me to stay, and another part of me is disgusted with what I am doing. I am PMSing and I am frustrated with all these thoughts!