You Don't Know What You've Got

An episode of Private Practice tonight, "You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone", got my wheels turning.

Do I appreciate what and who I have in my life as much as I should?
I am grateful for the people in my life and the things I have. I am blessed with more than I deserve. I just complain a lot about everything I lack, but I am beyond rich. I guess that's why I'm still in this relationship. I am appreciative of all the positive things...

Would it matter to you if I wasn't here and doing what I do?
I feel unappreciated most of the time. During my down moods, I do wish I could just disappear. No one will care or miss me when I am gone. No worries, I only sound like a suicidal person.

Taking a Moment

Last night I had my moment... All my emotions I've been holding in came out as tears. I shook in sobs and I tried to keep it silent. He was sleeping next to me and he never knew how distraught I was or have been. I see no purpose in sharing and I doubt he even cares.

Lately, I've been keeping myself busy and hiding my weaknesses. My life would fall apart if I fell apart, so I had to hold myself together as well.

Taking time to have these moments allows me to unload and then gather myself together again. For the sake of others and myself, I need to keep my life going.

I continue to pray...

Weddings

I attended a wedding recently, which brought back mixed feelings.

I love going to weddings because it is such a joyous occasion, but at the same time it reminds me of how my marriage is the kind of the opposite. 

As I observed the couple's embraces, kisses, lovey dovey, and mushiness, I thought about how much of it was real.

Our wedding day was the weakness point of our relationship. Although it was all a show, I was actually happy that day. Who wouldn't be happy to see all their families and friends they haven't seen in a while. It didn't even matter what we were celebrating. Once everyone left and the party was over, we went back to the reality of our marriage. I wish the happiness was more than a day...

Yes, No, Maybe So

I wish finding out how someone really feels was as simple as back in the days when note like this gets passed around.

Now things just get complicated.

You love someone but...
            ...you're not in love with them.
            ...not as much as you should.
            ...they are not in love with you.
            ...they don't love you as much as you do them.
            ...they don't love you .
            ...they love someone else.
...don't know how they sincerely feels!

If I don't know how you feel and you don't tell me, then is there a point to even know how I feel? I shall remain silent.

Yes, I am contradicting myself from the previous blog entries. Oh well...

Forgotten

Have you forgotten how you broke my heart? Have you forgotten how I cried for days? Have you forgotten how my love died that day? Have you forgotten all our troubles?

As harmless as it may be, he continues to disregard my feelings, poke at my insecurities, and break down a part of our relationship.

I thought he told me she wasn't worth my tears and all the troubles in our relationship.

What is it about her that keeps him attached? Perhaps because she's the hottest one...

It has taken me a year to learn to trust and love him again. Last nite he has proven to me that I can't trust his words. Without that simple trust, how can I continue to love you?

I am learning to love myself and all my insecurities, but will you love me until I learn to love myself?

Feeling Alone

Who do you tell when...

...nothing in your day is going right?
...you're stressed out?
...you have a problem?
...life overwhelms you?
...you're worried about something?
...you're falling apart?
...you feel like crying?

I don't know.

I don't have anyone I am comfortable with, and that I can trust and confide in. I am feeling down, and feeling alone makes it worse.

:-(

Breaking

My mood is getting to me. I probably went a bit overboard, but I'm so irritated.

When we have dinner at his mom's, he makes sure he finishes every grain of rice in his bowl. He even points out that I should finish everything in my bowl as well. I don't care to clear my bowl as long as I finish my food.

Well at home, he wastes food often. He serves himself more food than what he can finish, and then throws away the rest. Seriously? There are many times where he eats late, and then leave the whole pot of food out to spoil. That's my lunch the next day, and maybe even dinner that I have to toss.

Oh and another pet peeve is that he leaves his unfinished bowl wherever he ate it, like the office or the coffee table. Tonight, I was fed up. He was done eating, and left the bowl on the coffee table with a good portion of meat left. I took his bowl and threw it into the sink. Apparently, it broke in the sink because he threw the pieces away when he went over to the sink. For some reason, he was upset about it too. 

It was also our wedding anniversary, and he came home with two slices of cheesecake. It totally slipped my mind until he wished me happy anniversary. I forgot and it doesn't even matter to me.

I'm getting frustrated with all my emotions.
I'm breaking down little by little.