Still Got It

I'm not an attention whore, but I like attention. When I was single, I attracted many guys which made me feel attractive. For a person who's self conscious, I needed that validation.

Now that I am in a serious relationship, I don't feel that way anymore. I attempt to dress up and make myself feel beautiful. I am rarely told that I am. I don't meet any guys either since I work and go home. I'm aging as well so it just makes me feel worse.

Once in a while, I get a chance to go out with friends in social settings like a lounge or club. Guys still approach me, even the cutest one in the club. I don't flirt or hide the ring on my finger. All that matters is that I still got it. I feel young and pretty again.

I wish I didn't have to seek attention from other guys to feel beautiful. If only the guy I am with would make me feel that way...

Priorities

Every weekend, we're always busy with something. It's difficult to find a day where we're both available to spend time with each other.

Yesterday was suppose to be our date day. Two weeks ago, the plan was to have a date day after my dentist appointment. We agreed he can plan our date first. Friday night, he tells me he has to work in the afternoon. He asked me if I would like to go to dinner or movies, which sounded like last minute planning. I told him we're having dinner at his mom's and there's no movies out I would pay to see.

While he was at work yesterday, he called me before he left and asked if I still would like to go to mom's for dinner. Apparently it was either dinner at mom's or stay home, so I chose dinner at mom's of course.

I guess I'm bitching here about how our date days aren't really important. Our freakin' relationship isn't that important. Spending time with each other isn't worth prioritizing. Ugh, whatever!

Would be nice to be dating again...

Blamed

I try so hard to do all the right things. I thrive to live to people's expectations but I can only do so much to make everyone happy. It does make me happy when they approve.

When I don't satisfy them that's when things get frustrating. I am blamed for things I haven't done, don't do or can't do. Gosh!

I will do it eventually.

Maybe I chose not to do it for a good reason.

I've tried and I simply can't do it.

Well it's all my fault apparently. Go ahead and blame me. :-(

Frustrate

What frustrates me the most is being helpless.

I try so hard to make my bubble the happiest place to be, but there are things in this world we cannot control. I make the attempt anyways. I try again and again, and in all possible ways I know how. When nothing seems to work, you lose hope of ever making that change. This is where I am at...hopeless.

I just get frustrated when I can't take control of certain aspect of my world. I'm crabby and tired, and I'll take it out on anyone close to me.

What to do?

Not Good Enough

"He makes me feel beautiful..."

How many times have I heard this cliche? Too often in fictional romance.

Is it even possible for a person to make someone feel this way. If it is true, I would like to meet this person. I want to feel beautiful. I have a lot of insecurities about my appearance, as you can tell from my previous entry.

Shouldn't the person you're in love with suppose to make you feel beautiful? Well I'm not feeling it... I feel the opposite. I know his preferences and what he considers "hott" and "sexy". It's the typical guy definition: big boobs, skinny, blonde, pretty face, and etc.

I have none of those and I do not even come close to comparing to those type of girls. When I see his friends who seems to fit those descriptions, I get insecure. I feel even yuckier.

Most of the time I feel like I'm not good enough.

Slight Anorexia?

I am about 105lbs now for a 5'3'' shorty, which is less than what I was before I got pregnant. I'm glad I was able to lose all that pregnancy weight and then some. On the other hand, I still feel F-A-T. I want to be skinner.

There are areas where all the fat seems to like to hang out like the mid section and thighs. Ugh! Those are tough areas to tone. People tell me I'm not fat, but I disagree. I want to lose those fatty parts, but I wonder if my weight would go down.

Logically, I know I shouldn't be weighing less than a 100 since anything below 110 is already below average BMI. If losing more weight is what I need to do to look better in my clothes, then that is what I want to do. I want to squeeze in tight skinny leg jeans and body hugging tops without having to see rolling hills of fat. Do I sound like a person with a slight anorexia? I love food though and I do eat three meals a day.

Second year in college I reached my lowest weight ever at around 96lbs. My ex had made me more self conscious of my body but I didn't have any intentions in weighing that much. I remembered weighing about 107lbs, and my ex said I looked like I weighed 13lbs more. Big difference!He was implying I was chubby. It's not something any girl wants to hear, especially if they have self image issues.

Throughout college, I maintain to keep my weight under 105-110lbs. After college, I let myself go a bit and I reached my highest of about 124lbs. Most girls out there is probably thinking, "skinny b*tch, why are you complaining?!" I know I'm not really fat, but I'm not fit either.

Well we will see, once I start working on shaping up.

"...So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears..."
-Smokey Robinson

How do you avoid drama in your life?
Sometimes I don't know what to do but bottle up all my issues inside. As long as it doesn't explode, I should be good, right? It gets depressing on days when you happen to let it leak through. Late nights in bed is no fun either, but at least most of the time the days are drama free.

*sighs*