Tying the Knot or Not?

Since my last blog, I'm back to my "dandy" self. I haven't had any discussions with him. I managed to put it aside and try not to think about it. He knew something was bothering me the day of my discovery and rant, but didn't inquire more into it after that. Who cares, right?

I question whether I want to tie the knot this year or not. Are we both ready? Some of us don't act like it sometimes... Right now, I'm not bound to some extent. I must admit, JC is the only one who's holding me back. Without JC, I would be able to just take off whenever.

There are days where I'm in a better mood, and those are the times where I would plan our wedding day. On the other days, when I'm supposedly having "mood swings", I rather have my options.

The deciding factor is my trust. Can I trust you to be honest? Can I trust you to unconditionally love me? Can I trust you to make me happy for the most part? I am skeptical.

I'm sure having all these issues piling up isn't helping much. I do want to talk about it, but never find the opportunity to. Days when I'm in a good mood, I don't want to talk about something that would ruin my day. When I'm already in a bad mood, I don't want to talk about something that would make it worse. Plus, we don't have the time. He's either working, spending time with JC, or having some Me-time. I would watching JC when he's busy or doing hw when he's watching JC. See the dilemma?

We should make time...I know. On the other hand, I think I care more about this than he does. Well I have until mid-June to make my final decision. We have until then to possibly resolve our issues, or MY issues.

Fuckin' Irritated!

No one really reads this blog anyways so I'm using it to vent out all my frustration!

Right now I am so irritated. Today is one of those days I wish I was single! I try to push my issues aside and pretend things are well, but it's not. The issues builds up since you continue to do it. You never care to ask about my issues even though you know I want to talk to you about them and our relationship. If you don't care to know, then why should I even waste my time. Lets pretend everything is dandy.

You obviously care more about your friends' issues. When was the last time you took time out of ur "busy" schedule to read my blog. Apparently you have time to read your friend's blog. Her thoughts are more important since you assume you know everything by living with me.

When is it ever okay to flirt when you're in a relationship? Sure, it's innocent flirting. How would you feel if I said the same things or do the same things? Fuckin' double standard! I can let it go, but don't get upset if I behave the same way.

Are you really ready for a commitment because to me you don't act like you are. I just can't trust you by the way you're acting. If I can't trust you enough then we're not ready for it.

Am I overreacting? Did I misinterpret "wow, you look nice" or "another double take...damnz."? Is that something you wouldn't mind hearing a guy say to me? Is that something you wouldn't mind if I said to another guy? If you have any explanations that would make me think otherwise, then go for it. I'm ready to hear your answers.

*sighs* I need to calm down now or imma bust my hands again from punching the wall.

Escape

There are days, times, moments or seconds where I just want to run away. I want life responsibilities lifted from my hands and shoulders. I want to be relaxed and relieved from all stresses, frustration, anger and negative emotions. All I want to feel is bliss...

Unfortunately, I can't go anywhere. I am stuck and forced to deal with every issue in life. I understand that this is what life is. It's about living through all the ups, downs, and bumps. Sometimes, all the bumps is just too overwhelming. Someone pass me some aspirin! Better yet, pass me a joint and i'll take a flight on cloud 9. j/k. I know there's other ways to escape life, ie getaway.

Getting away is not that easily planned either. There are still obligations at home. I can't just drop everything, leave, and forget.

*sighs*
I'll close my eyes and escape to my place of bliss in my mind. It's the next best thing for now.

Still Got It

I'm not an attention whore, but I like attention. When I was single, I attracted many guys which made me feel attractive. For a person who's self conscious, I needed that validation.

Now that I am in a serious relationship, I don't feel that way anymore. I attempt to dress up and make myself feel beautiful. I am rarely told that I am. I don't meet any guys either since I work and go home. I'm aging as well so it just makes me feel worse.

Once in a while, I get a chance to go out with friends in social settings like a lounge or club. Guys still approach me, even the cutest one in the club. I don't flirt or hide the ring on my finger. All that matters is that I still got it. I feel young and pretty again.

I wish I didn't have to seek attention from other guys to feel beautiful. If only the guy I am with would make me feel that way...

Priorities

Every weekend, we're always busy with something. It's difficult to find a day where we're both available to spend time with each other.

Yesterday was suppose to be our date day. Two weeks ago, the plan was to have a date day after my dentist appointment. We agreed he can plan our date first. Friday night, he tells me he has to work in the afternoon. He asked me if I would like to go to dinner or movies, which sounded like last minute planning. I told him we're having dinner at his mom's and there's no movies out I would pay to see.

While he was at work yesterday, he called me before he left and asked if I still would like to go to mom's for dinner. Apparently it was either dinner at mom's or stay home, so I chose dinner at mom's of course.

I guess I'm bitching here about how our date days aren't really important. Our freakin' relationship isn't that important. Spending time with each other isn't worth prioritizing. Ugh, whatever!

Would be nice to be dating again...

Blamed

I try so hard to do all the right things. I thrive to live to people's expectations but I can only do so much to make everyone happy. It does make me happy when they approve.

When I don't satisfy them that's when things get frustrating. I am blamed for things I haven't done, don't do or can't do. Gosh!

I will do it eventually.

Maybe I chose not to do it for a good reason.

I've tried and I simply can't do it.

Well it's all my fault apparently. Go ahead and blame me. :-(

Frustrate

What frustrates me the most is being helpless.

I try so hard to make my bubble the happiest place to be, but there are things in this world we cannot control. I make the attempt anyways. I try again and again, and in all possible ways I know how. When nothing seems to work, you lose hope of ever making that change. This is where I am at...hopeless.

I just get frustrated when I can't take control of certain aspect of my world. I'm crabby and tired, and I'll take it out on anyone close to me.

What to do?