I am F.I.N.E.

F.I.N.E. = Feelings Inside Not Expressed or Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional

I am not comfortable in telling him how I am feeling. I don't know why. Maybe I think it doesn't matter for him to know. He rarely asks how I feel, even when he knows I'm upset. I figure he just doesn't care to know.

Well my feelings have not changed since the previous post. I think it has gotten worse with little, everyday irritations with him. I avoid him as much as possible when I am in a bad mood, and it may not necessarily because of him.

We rarely spend time together when we do have time. For example, today he spent almost the whole day in front of his computer in the office. He probably did some work but it was mostly playing games, watching movies/shows, and football drafting. The little munchkin wanted to go to play outside, and he didn't even have time for that.

I made lunch and did my own thing. I had some M.E. time, and then took the little guy to the park. It was nice to get away from the house and him. My mind was more at ease, not thinking about anything but enjoying the day.

Honestly, I hate to admit that I would leave this relationship if I find happiness somewhere else. My feelings are still not as strong as they should be...

In the meantime, I am F.I.N.E.

A Moment to Cry

I have been trying to stay strong, supportive, and optimistic. I keep myself busy and go about my life as if things will work itself out.

If I allow my mind to take a moment to think about the current situation, I will cry, like at this moment. I am overwhelmed with a sense of pain, sadness, helplessness and hopelessness. Although, I am not the one in the terrible situation, without a doubt I would trade places.

For a love one I would sacrifice myself.
Let me be the one to feel all the pain.
Let me be the one to lose hope.
Let me be the one to suffer.
To see you better.
To see you happy.

End of the moment.
I have to move on from this moment, and wipe away my tears.
I will continue to pray and hope for the best.

Word of the Day

cathect

\ kuh-THEKT \  , verb;

1. To invest emotion or feeling in an idea, object, or another person.

I realized that life is too short to keep how you feel about someone inside. I think I express my feelings more freely than before, to friends, family, and love ones. 


I regret not being more opened in the past.

 

Pet Peeve

One of my pet peeves is worrying about people who don't care that you're worried.

I guess I am definitely a mother because most moms have that issue. I know my mom did. When I was younger, I made her worry often and I continue to do what I wanted to do.

Maybe I need to just back off and chillax. I don't want to care or worry anymore, if you don't.

Brave & Love

I just watched Brave tonite, and I loved it! Disney should make more movies like Brave. Usually when you think of a princess movie, you expect there to be a prince charming that comes to the rescue and they fall madly in unrealistic love. Well Brave was the complete opposite. She was the heroine, strong and independent, and there was none of that falling in love bullshit.

The movie made me realize how I'm so dependent on others for my happiness and love. I call it being emotionally high maintenance. All those past guys who lavished me in attention and feelings reinforced my need for those, to the point where I have accepted the fact that I am high maintenance. I am drawn to those who give me those attention/feelings that I am lacking, and I find it ridiculous of me. I have "withdrawals" when I don't get all that attention and love, and I become more insecure and unhappy. I shouldn't need those validations to be happy or to feel loved. I don't want to be that girl anymore, especially being in this relationship now. I want to be happy.

A friend told me I need to love myself first and be happy being alone. Well loving myself is going to be a long working process, and I am in a relationship so I can't be alone. I think I can at least come to accept myself and make my own happiness, no matter who I'm with.

It's human nature to have the need to be accepted, supported, and loved by others. The priority should be to self first.

Therefore, I shall love myself and I shall love others. It's the key to my happiness.

Five Years and Going...

This month is our anniversary of 5 years since we first met at Denny's for cheesecake one late night, and it's our first anniversary of our marriage. I can't believe we have been together for half a decade! Although, we have only been married a year it seems longer because nothing really changed except my name.

Here's to another year of more changes for the better.

Broken Strings

"...Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us..."