Yes, No, Maybe So

I wish finding out how someone really feels was as simple as back in the days when note like this gets passed around.

Now things just get complicated.

You love someone but...
            ...you're not in love with them.
            ...not as much as you should.
            ...they are not in love with you.
            ...they don't love you as much as you do them.
            ...they don't love you .
            ...they love someone else.
...don't know how they sincerely feels!

If I don't know how you feel and you don't tell me, then is there a point to even know how I feel? I shall remain silent.

Yes, I am contradicting myself from the previous blog entries. Oh well...

Forgotten

Have you forgotten how you broke my heart? Have you forgotten how I cried for days? Have you forgotten how my love died that day? Have you forgotten all our troubles?

As harmless as it may be, he continues to disregard my feelings, poke at my insecurities, and break down a part of our relationship.

I thought he told me she wasn't worth my tears and all the troubles in our relationship.

What is it about her that keeps him attached? Perhaps because she's the hottest one...

It has taken me a year to learn to trust and love him again. Last nite he has proven to me that I can't trust his words. Without that simple trust, how can I continue to love you?

I am learning to love myself and all my insecurities, but will you love me until I learn to love myself?

Feeling Alone

Who do you tell when...

...nothing in your day is going right?
...you're stressed out?
...you have a problem?
...life overwhelms you?
...you're worried about something?
...you're falling apart?
...you feel like crying?

I don't know.

I don't have anyone I am comfortable with, and that I can trust and confide in. I am feeling down, and feeling alone makes it worse.

:-(

Breaking

My mood is getting to me. I probably went a bit overboard, but I'm so irritated.

When we have dinner at his mom's, he makes sure he finishes every grain of rice in his bowl. He even points out that I should finish everything in my bowl as well. I don't care to clear my bowl as long as I finish my food.

Well at home, he wastes food often. He serves himself more food than what he can finish, and then throws away the rest. Seriously? There are many times where he eats late, and then leave the whole pot of food out to spoil. That's my lunch the next day, and maybe even dinner that I have to toss.

Oh and another pet peeve is that he leaves his unfinished bowl wherever he ate it, like the office or the coffee table. Tonight, I was fed up. He was done eating, and left the bowl on the coffee table with a good portion of meat left. I took his bowl and threw it into the sink. Apparently, it broke in the sink because he threw the pieces away when he went over to the sink. For some reason, he was upset about it too. 

It was also our wedding anniversary, and he came home with two slices of cheesecake. It totally slipped my mind until he wished me happy anniversary. I forgot and it doesn't even matter to me.

I'm getting frustrated with all my emotions.
I'm breaking down little by little.

I am F.I.N.E.

F.I.N.E. = Feelings Inside Not Expressed or Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional

I am not comfortable in telling him how I am feeling. I don't know why. Maybe I think it doesn't matter for him to know. He rarely asks how I feel, even when he knows I'm upset. I figure he just doesn't care to know.

Well my feelings have not changed since the previous post. I think it has gotten worse with little, everyday irritations with him. I avoid him as much as possible when I am in a bad mood, and it may not necessarily because of him.

We rarely spend time together when we do have time. For example, today he spent almost the whole day in front of his computer in the office. He probably did some work but it was mostly playing games, watching movies/shows, and football drafting. The little munchkin wanted to go to play outside, and he didn't even have time for that.

I made lunch and did my own thing. I had some M.E. time, and then took the little guy to the park. It was nice to get away from the house and him. My mind was more at ease, not thinking about anything but enjoying the day.

Honestly, I hate to admit that I would leave this relationship if I find happiness somewhere else. My feelings are still not as strong as they should be...

In the meantime, I am F.I.N.E.

A Moment to Cry

I have been trying to stay strong, supportive, and optimistic. I keep myself busy and go about my life as if things will work itself out.

If I allow my mind to take a moment to think about the current situation, I will cry, like at this moment. I am overwhelmed with a sense of pain, sadness, helplessness and hopelessness. Although, I am not the one in the terrible situation, without a doubt I would trade places.

For a love one I would sacrifice myself.
Let me be the one to feel all the pain.
Let me be the one to lose hope.
Let me be the one to suffer.
To see you better.
To see you happy.

End of the moment.
I have to move on from this moment, and wipe away my tears.
I will continue to pray and hope for the best.

Word of the Day

cathect

\ kuh-THEKT \  , verb;

1. To invest emotion or feeling in an idea, object, or another person.

I realized that life is too short to keep how you feel about someone inside. I think I express my feelings more freely than before, to friends, family, and love ones. 


I regret not being more opened in the past.