"Who cares?"

Tuesday early morning around 5am, I was disrespected once again by his inconsiderate and insensitive big mouth. I can take a joke but if I'm not in the mood and I tell you repeatedly to stop, you should stop. Instead, you offended me again. Then to make matters worse, when you knew I was upset by all the name calling, you continue to joke about it because you did not care I was upset by it.

Every tear I cried because of you, a bit of my heart breaks and I love you a little less. I couldn't stand it anymore. I stared at the "unfriend" button on facebook and thought about how I might regret it later. I recalled the incident... He doesn't care about my feelings, so why I should I stick around and allow myself to get hurt by this type of "friend". I clicked "unfriend" and his profile picture and name disappeared from my list of friends.

Deep down I still love him and I miss him dearly. Then I realize the person I am missing doesn't give a rat's ass about me. Would he even realize his mistake? Would he even attempt to apologize? Would he change his ways? Would he fuckin' care?

I know I was the one who unfriended him on facebook, and told him to never talk to me again. If you love someone, and you know it's your damn fault, then you would try to make it right. I have hopes that he truly loves me like he said, but I might disappoint myself with such high expectations.

He does not fuckin' care!
I need to learn to not care either.

Never Ready But Bring It On!

Five years ago, if you asked me if I'm ready to have kids, I will tell you "heck no!"

During the 9 months I was pregnant, I had to prepare myself. I had to face motherhood no matter what. I had to endure the late nights, breastfeeding, spit ups, poops, crying, lack of sleep, and everything in between. No one can really get ready for that kind of stuff.

Through it all, I don't regret my decision. The cute smiles, contagious laughter, big hugs, sweet kisses, and silliness made every moment worth it!

Today, if you ask me if I'm ready to have more kids, I will tell you, "No, I'm not ready to double my workload." Nevertheless, I love kids and I do want more. Somehow through sweat and tears, they will make my life more fulfilled.

Bring it on!

Enough is Enough

One of those moments where I feel like I've just had enough.

Have I not been caring and accepting enough? Am I not nice enough? Did I not show you how I feel?

I do not need anyone judging me and the people I choose in my life. I do not need anyone to be negative and hurtful towards me. I do not need anyone who doesn't respect, care and love me. I don't need any of it. 

You have the option to leave, and so do I.

Enough is enough.

Change

Today I will stop my nonsense. 

Things may change or nothing changes. 

We will see. 

My Bad!

It was my fault for talking to you for hours and hours. 

It was my fault for leading you on. 

It was my fault for sharing my life with you.

It was my fault for caring for your well being. 

It was my fault for pushing you to do more. 

It was my fault for expressing my emotions. 

It was my fault for meeting you. 

It was my fault for spending time with you. 

It was my fault for hugging you so much. 

It was my fault for "accidentally" kissing you.

It was by fault for kissing you more. 

It was my fault for falling for you.

It was my fault for telling you how I really feel. 

It was my fault for saying "I love you."

It was my fault for wanting to see you every moment I got. 

It was my fault for loving you. 

It's all my fault! 

Hurts Most

"The thing that hurts most is pretending it doesn't."

Pretends...
I don't love you as much.
I don't care about you.
I don't care that you don't care.
I'm not upset when you don't want to be with me.
I'm not irritated when you ignore me.
I don't miss you.
I'm not disappointed you don't miss me.
I am not angry about the mean things you said.
I'm fine.
I'm not hurt...

"Best way to not get your heart broken, is pretending you don't have one." -Charlie Sheen

What Am I to Do?

I remember all the times I was so upset that you weren't here. I tried to forget you, even though I find myself randomly thinking about you often. When I thought I finally gotten over you or gotten used to the idea that you are not going to be around much, you returned. Then there I go again, falling head over heels for you. Caring for you a bit more than I did before. As unexpectedly as you came, you left.  After so many times, you would think I would be used to it by now. Nope, it just gets harder every time.

This time it's worse, because I've fallen in love. I am bruised and my heart might be broken. What am I suppose to do now? Go crazy praying for you to return? I don't know if it's going to be a couple of days, weeks, or months. Should I learn to love someone who is not always around? Should I get over my feelings so I don't miss you? Move on and put you into my past?

What am I to do?