I realized I rather be with someone I love or no one at all, rather than try to love someone again. I am more certain of this decision that I took another step in the relationship on the eve of Thanksgiving. The moment felt right, and the memories feel surreal.
Like every Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the people I love.
Driving back to my hometown to visit my family, I heard this song on the radio. Right away, I thought about him. It made me sad...
I told him my decision, and I have to give up on him. I think he is trying to do the same. It is hard to do so, for both of us.
It feels too nice when I hold his hand, stroke his face, look into his eyes, hug him, and kiss him.
I do need him to "say something" to make me feel assured of my decision, whether it's to be with him or to be without him.
I want him to say he will love me and he will be there for me. I know I am ready for that long term commitment, but I can't force him to do that when he's not ready or if he doesn't love me the same.
I love my boy unconditionally. I love my parents and brothers unconditionally. I can't stay that about anyone else. I may love and care for others, but not unconditionally.
My head and heart fought continuously about my dilemma, and I sort of arrived at a decision. I picked the one I love unconditionally. I will sacrifice my own happiness to be with my son, because I know he will always bring me happiness when others don't.
Our last argument made me realize that he doesn't love me enough. It's one thing to piss me off but it's other thing to hurt me enough to make me cry. I don't see our relationship working out, and I don't trust him enough that he would make it work. I can't trust to tell him how I feel or think, without him judging me. A best friend would be honest and support me, rather judge me negatively multiple times. It was hurtful, and I can't continue to love someone like that.
I love him and I have a hard time stopping, but I have to let go of people who are not good for me in my life.
I've been trying really hard to sympathize when he avoids me for more than a day.
It's best for him to not be in this kind of relationship. I know I've hurt him enough, and he deserves to be happier. It's best for him in the long run. He will be happier without me. I have to let him go, even though my heart is protesting. I have to hide how I feel...how sad I am and how much I miss him dearly. I have to hold it back and all the tears. We will both get over these rough times soon, and it will hurt less. We can't even be friends right now either. I understand that, as much as I want him around. I can't expect anything from him anymore. I can't expect him to be there. I can't have the same expectations I have a friend. I need to stop caring about him as much as I do, because it would drive me insane. He will eventually not care anymore, and I need to stop too.
The idea of stopping myself from caring and loving him, makes me sad. Love is such a precious thing to ever end, and we have to end it. I know I will always love him but it won't be the same again once it's over.
*sighs*
I'm waiting for this time to pass. I don't want to deal with this much heartbreak. I know things happen for a reason, and I hope I don't regret my decision.
If I stopped feeling...
If I stopped caring...
If I stopped talking...
If I stopped being there...
It wouldn't make much of a difference to you,
As my heart is in pieces.
Your life will go on,
As mine is left with an empty space. "This is what makes us girls We all look for heaven and we put our love first Somethin' that we'd die for, it's our curse Don't cry about it, don't cry about it This is what makes us girls We don't stick together 'cause we put our love first Don't cry about him, don't cry about him It's all gonna happen" - Lana Del Rey
(This Is What Makes Us Girls)
I am trying to do what I can to make myself happy. I've been doing a lot of selfish things where I am hurting or have the potential of hurting others in the process. When I stop to analyze my life, I would hate myself. I don't know what to do. I know I need to make some changes to be happier in the long run.
