2014 Wishes

If stress wasn't the cause of "it", then it's the result of "it".

Great way to start 2014...

I feel like shutting down from people and my personal life right now. I feel alone in my life even though I have support. No one understands me or things I'm going through. No one but me. 

This year is going to be unpredictable for the most part. I wish I have everything planned but I am living day by day, or even at most week by week. I wish I knew...

Right now, I know I'm unhappy and uncertain. I can't do much at the moment except to ignore it and focus on other things. 

My family and I made it through 2013 and it went pretty well. Wishing my family the best in 2014 no matter what happens to me. 

Undeserving

I'm emotionally high maintenance, and I will admit that. 

I know I express how I feel by the things I do and say. I express more when I'm happy than when I'm distraught. 

Blatantly saying that I rarely express my feelings shows how much you even notice the things I do and say or I'm not meeting your standards. 

I guess I can't expect more than what I deserve. I deserve very little for the kind of person I am. I shouldn't care...

Taking a Chance

I agreed to give him a chance, and he agrees I should give him a chance too.

We both have to stop talking to each other, and the mere thought of doing that makes me sad already. It's ridiculous! How do I give him a fair chance if I miss and think about someone else?

I will be sad the whole time or I will realize I am happier where I am at. At the moment, I can see myself being sad until I break. I don't want to be sad...

Who You Love

I will love who I love...

Thankful for Love

 

I realized I rather be with someone I love or no one at all, rather than try to love someone again. I am more certain of this decision that I took another step in the relationship on the eve of Thanksgiving. The moment felt right, and the memories feel surreal. 

Like every Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the people I love.

Say Something

Driving back to my hometown to visit my family, I heard this song on the radio. Right away, I thought about him. It made me sad...

I told him my decision, and I have to give up on him. I think he is trying to do the same. It is hard to do so, for both of us.

It feels too nice when I hold his hand, stroke his face, look into his eyes, hug him, and kiss him. 

I do need him to "say something" to make me feel assured of my decision, whether it's to be with him or to be without him.

I want him to say he will love me and he will be there for me. I know I am ready for that long term commitment, but I can't force him to do that when he's not ready or if he doesn't love me the same.

Unconditional Love

I love my boy unconditionally. I love my parents and brothers unconditionally. I can't stay that about anyone else. I may love and care for others, but not unconditionally.

My head and heart fought continuously about my dilemma, and I sort of arrived at a decision. I picked the one I love unconditionally. I will sacrifice my own happiness to be with my son, because I know he will always bring me happiness when others don't.

Our last argument made me realize that he doesn't love me enough. It's one thing to piss me off but it's other thing to hurt me enough to make me cry. I don't see our relationship working out, and I don't trust him enough that he would make it work. I can't trust to tell him how I feel or think, without him judging me. A best friend would be honest and support me, rather judge me negatively multiple times. It was hurtful, and I can't continue to love someone like that.

I love him and I have a hard time stopping, but I have to let go of people who are not good for me in my life.