A New Year and a New Beginning

I told him my final decision, and restated it during our counseling session. I don't need to hide or lie anymore. He knows now, and it's a heavy weight off of my shoulders.

He's not trying anymore, so it's back to our pre-break up status. We are able to keep our issues to ourselves without anyone knowing. I can feel the tension and awkwardness there sometimes.

Next step is to plan out our legal divorce, which I will have to initiate. I haven't decided when it would be a good time for me to move out without interrupting our daily life. The most logical time would be end of the school year, during the summer.

All these changes scare me, and I can't believe I am going to do this. Everything I envisioned for my future is going to change, and I know things will work out for the better. There is going to be many challenges this year to get things on the right track again.

I am more hopeful that I will be happier.

Confession

I took a step forward on a path unknown, but towards happiness I hope. I told him today of my decision to end the relationship. Although, we still need to finish up our discussion, at least he knows.

I feel extremely guilty, horrid as a person, and sad. I feel alone in the whole ordeal and there's no one close by to help me. Since my intentions are to move out, I cannot call this home mine anymore. I am homeless... It took me so long to find a home to call my own and now I have to start a new one. I guess it's a sacrifice I have to take.

I am filled with mixed emotions, and I am sure this is hard on him too.
Next step, planning the separation...

:-(

2014 Wishes

If stress wasn't the cause of "it", then it's the result of "it".

Great way to start 2014...

I feel like shutting down from people and my personal life right now. I feel alone in my life even though I have support. No one understands me or things I'm going through. No one but me. 

This year is going to be unpredictable for the most part. I wish I have everything planned but I am living day by day, or even at most week by week. I wish I knew...

Right now, I know I'm unhappy and uncertain. I can't do much at the moment except to ignore it and focus on other things. 

My family and I made it through 2013 and it went pretty well. Wishing my family the best in 2014 no matter what happens to me. 

Undeserving

I'm emotionally high maintenance, and I will admit that. 

I know I express how I feel by the things I do and say. I express more when I'm happy than when I'm distraught. 

Blatantly saying that I rarely express my feelings shows how much you even notice the things I do and say or I'm not meeting your standards. 

I guess I can't expect more than what I deserve. I deserve very little for the kind of person I am. I shouldn't care...

Taking a Chance

I agreed to give him a chance, and he agrees I should give him a chance too.

We both have to stop talking to each other, and the mere thought of doing that makes me sad already. It's ridiculous! How do I give him a fair chance if I miss and think about someone else?

I will be sad the whole time or I will realize I am happier where I am at. At the moment, I can see myself being sad until I break. I don't want to be sad...

Who You Love

I will love who I love...

Thankful for Love

 

I realized I rather be with someone I love or no one at all, rather than try to love someone again. I am more certain of this decision that I took another step in the relationship on the eve of Thanksgiving. The moment felt right, and the memories feel surreal. 

Like every Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the people I love.