Differences

You look into my eyes and tell me you love me.
I love you too.

BUT...

I want a family.
You do not.

NOW...

I have to decide.
You have to decide.

The relationship will not work with this difference.

:-(

Love Will Remember

"...You said you loved me,
I said I loved you back,
What happened to that?
What happened to that?

All your promises,
And all them plans we had,
What happened to that?
What happened to that?

Boom gone,
Yeah, we move on
Even if we try to forget..."

A Rainbow Reminder

I ended last night in anger, frustration, disappointment, and heartache. Then I woke up this morning with "closure", more from his end than mine. I felt more sad and disappointed. I tolerate so much from my long term relationships, and I expect the same from someone who says they love me. If they are not understanding and willing to work through our issues, then I can't do anything about it. Plus, I was getting to the point of being unhappy with how he thinks so negatively of me, and the things he would say.

While driving to work this morning, I saw a rainbow. It reminded me that I'm starting a new beginning and life will change for the better. I'm going through a rough transition, but I know I will be happier soon.

One week....that's all I've needed before and that's all I will need now.

Is It Worth it?

I'm making decisions and finally taking actions to improve the happiness in my life. In this process, I am losing people left and right, which makes me more depressed than ever. Is my happiness even worth these losses?

In the long run, things will be better and people will understand...

I'm trying to convince myself this will be true.

:-(

Spoke Too Soon

After a weekend with my gf and conversations about men and relationships, I finally made a decision about my future. I want more kids and a family, because that's what will make me happy.

He can't guarantee that he would be ready for that, and he's "leaning towards having no kids". He suggested we end it, and I guess I agree. We shouldn't waste each other's times if we have different plans.

I am very sad and heartbroken.

This is my downfall before I find my happiness...

Spoiled with Love

I spent another lovely 3 day weekend with him. He made me cookies and pizza, and got me my favorite chocolates. A happy tummy makes for a happy me. :-)

He makes me happy. Maybe it's not seeing him everyday that makes our weekends together so lovely. All I want to do is snuggle and chat with him, and the day would be perfect. I hope it doesn't change once we start seeing each other everyday.

I feel loved. Maybe it's my delusional state of being in love. I love his hugs and kisses, and I will miss him tons. I don't know if I can go through 2 months without seeing him.

Being in love is such a warm feeling, and I hope it never goes away.

A New Year and a New Beginning

I told him my final decision, and restated it during our counseling session. I don't need to hide or lie anymore. He knows now, and it's a heavy weight off of my shoulders.

He's not trying anymore, so it's back to our pre-break up status. We are able to keep our issues to ourselves without anyone knowing. I can feel the tension and awkwardness there sometimes.

Next step is to plan out our legal divorce, which I will have to initiate. I haven't decided when it would be a good time for me to move out without interrupting our daily life. The most logical time would be end of the school year, during the summer.

All these changes scare me, and I can't believe I am going to do this. Everything I envisioned for my future is going to change, and I know things will work out for the better. There is going to be many challenges this year to get things on the right track again.

I am more hopeful that I will be happier.