In Pieces

I want to smash my heart into little pieces as my life breaks into pieces. Maybe then, it would stop hurting. I don't want to feel anymore.

It's hard to pretend to love someone when you don't, and it's harder to pretend to not love someone when you do.

I've been sad... I've been finding other things in life to keep me happy, but overall I am sad. I don't know what to do.

30, A Turning Point

I am coming to a big milestone in my life...turning 30! How time has flown by. I want to rewind back the time to when I was a kid again. At home with my family and playing with my brothers, with no care in the world.

Time to face reality and my ever changing life. It is a turning point, where I hope to find greater happiness. I know things will need to fall apart first, before they come together again.

I feel pressured with the ticking of the clock to get my life together quickly. I want to find someone I can be happy with, and have a family. I don't want to rush anything, but I do wonder how quickly I can find someone, get to know them, develop a serious relationship, get married, and get pregnant again.

Another part of me feels like I don't deserve any of it. At 30, I wanted to have a happy family with kids, and a career. Yet, here I am breaking up a family and chances of having more kids. Maybe I am not grateful enough for what I have, and this is the best it will get.

Unhappy birthday to me...

Independence

While home alone today, I twisted my ankle. I fell to the ground and cried, not only in pain, but I realized no one cares. They are not suppose to care and they have no reason to care.

I need to grow up and deal with it all. It's my problem, and no one else. I was careless and sprained my ankle.I sucked it up, stopped crying, and crawled into bed. I took a nap and slept through the pain.

I have ended all my relationships. I need to learn to be more independent again. Being in a relationship and living with someone has made me lazy and more emotionally dependent. I have to do things for myself and deal with my issues. This also means I will be blogging more...

As I adjust to the challenges of this independence, I am feeling crappy.

What I really miss most about a relationship is loving someone. I want to give him my attention, hugs, kisses, and do thoughtful/sweet things. Getting those things are nice, but giving them makes me happier. I will be sadder now.

I will miss him...

Selfishness

My selfishness...
My happiness..
I made decisions for it all.
Why do I find myself sad, lost, and alone?
Hurting those I love...
Tell me, there is good in this misery.
Tell me, this is for the best.
Tell me, they will be better...
All because of my selfishness. 

Differences

You look into my eyes and tell me you love me.
I love you too.

BUT...

I want a family.
You do not.

NOW...

I have to decide.
You have to decide.

The relationship will not work with this difference.

:-(

Love Will Remember

"...You said you loved me,
I said I loved you back,
What happened to that?
What happened to that?

All your promises,
And all them plans we had,
What happened to that?
What happened to that?

Boom gone,
Yeah, we move on
Even if we try to forget..."

A Rainbow Reminder

I ended last night in anger, frustration, disappointment, and heartache. Then I woke up this morning with "closure", more from his end than mine. I felt more sad and disappointed. I tolerate so much from my long term relationships, and I expect the same from someone who says they love me. If they are not understanding and willing to work through our issues, then I can't do anything about it. Plus, I was getting to the point of being unhappy with how he thinks so negatively of me, and the things he would say.

While driving to work this morning, I saw a rainbow. It reminded me that I'm starting a new beginning and life will change for the better. I'm going through a rough transition, but I know I will be happier soon.

One week....that's all I've needed before and that's all I will need now.