Bite my Tongue

I've been catching myself thinking and saying to myself the word "love" and with him in mind. Am I being ridiculous? It feels natural for me to think and say it. I can't do it... Because I don't think he feels the same. 

It was this past week, Wed, that he said "I miss you" in person. I was walking out of the kitchen when he caught me and pulled me back. For a second, I thought he was going to say and said "I love you." I guess I was being too hopeful. It was sweet nevertheless. It would be sweeter to hear him say those other words. 

I'll try to hold off and bite my tongue when the thoughts come. 

Some Kind of Love

I swear I don't fall in love easily.
I've been dating this guy off and on since October and now we are in a relationship. There are times when we are cuddling or when I'm thinking of him, that I want to say "I love you". The way he hugs me, caresses me, and kiss me makes me head over heels.

He said he may have been in love once when he was younger, but he has never been in love since then. I find that unbelievable. He has been in many relationships. I am curious what the issues were.

Would he know that he is in love when he feels it?

I am trying to not smother him with all my feelings, so I try to hold back a bit. I give him some time to himself, and not text him constantly. If I had a choice, I would want to see him like every day, cuddle with him to sleep every night, and kiss him every morning when I wake up.

I know at this stage the love I feel is not the deep feelings I had with my exes. It is still the love where I care about the person passionately. I am not going to be sharing this with him, because I think he already knows how much I like him. I question how much he likes me though...I can tell he's not as experienced in being in a serious long term relationship.

I wonder if he would say "I love you" first if we ever get to that point. I don't know how long I can hold that in.

Happy Now, Worry Later

On January 10th, 2015 I decided to be happy now and worry about the future later. As cliche as it may sound, life is too short to be unhappy. It is better to make the wrong decision than regret not making that decision.

I don't know what's going to happen in a couple of months, a year, or years from now.
I love to love, and I want to love him.

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb!

Dumb, dumb, and dumb all around! Great way to start the new year, right?

I am asking to get hurt. I made a decision to basically live in the present and be happy. I'm ignoring all possible negative consequences.It is definitely not the smartest idea.

I am not the type of person who can detach my feelings from it, so this whole situation will be affecting me. I am basically denying it, and lying to myself. So far I am a terrible liar!

Last night, I had a dream I was posting a status update on my Facebook, and it read, "know your worth".
Do I value my worth? If I did, would I do this?

I don't know what to believe. A part of me tells me to stay, and another part of me is disgusted with what I am doing. I am PMSing and I am frustrated with all these thoughts!

Moving on...once again!

Oh, how many have come and gone...
Actually, I've been the one who has been leaving them.

There's always something with each relationship that makes it unsuccessful. It's usually the chemistry, attraction, and compatibility. I move on from one guy to the next.

I am in the midst of moving on again from a guy whom I am totally in like with. We dated for a week, and when I found out he doesn't want anymore kids, I had to break it off. A month later, he found me and we started talking again, supposedly as friends. Well one thing led to another, and we were seeing each other again. I kept reminding myself I need to end it. I can't repeat this similar situation again. It has been difficult to let go...

We have such great chemistry together. I miss the way he cuddles with me, and how he holds me. I miss the random kisses on my head, shoulders, and lips. I miss talking to him. I miss him, period.

At the moment, I can't give up the plan of having another kid. I have hope of finding love and having another kid. I really need to move on from this one, so I am ready for the right one to come along.

I've done this so many times, I can do it again now! I...must...not...contact...him....

Another Came and Gone

Last Friday I said good bye to another guy after dating him for about 2 months. Communication wasn't the way I want it to be and I needed it to be better than what I had before. I rather leave it than work on changing it. It doesn't mean I am going to run from every prob I have with a guy though. 

I miss talking and hanging out with him. Maybe I just miss the idea of spending time with someone I like. 

I miss his dog too. She was sweet. 

I am ready to move on again. There are days where I feel like it's hopeless but I need to be more patient. 

Fingers crossed. 

Direction

I am heading in the right direction.

Another week and a half, and I will be moving.
I am letting him go and getting over him.
I am breaking my ties...

I'm figuring out my new life. It seems like there's a lot I need to do, but I am getting it done.

I am proud of myself for having the courage to do this.
I am doing it for myself, and indirectly it will be good for everyone else. 

I am already looking forward to my new positive direction in life.