Third Time's a Charm

Two weeks after we broke up, he contacted me via Trivia Crack to see if we can still play. I never responded but just played. 

March 20th he contacted me again and started small talks with me. I straight up told him I don't want to try to be friends. He wanted to talk about our break up and try to make it work again. I asked him to call and talk to me if its worth it. He did. 

During our conversation he mentioned that he remembered that I said that I love him. He asked how do I know...

I don't know how he feels about me, especially after such an abrupt breakup. Does he really care? Does he like the idea that I love him? Does he just not want to be alone? Is he just used to having me? I don't know. 

There are things that bother me but I think that's how he is. For example, he doesn't like talking on the phone or text me often enough. 

I am happy when I'm with him. I am hoping he wants me in his life again because he really cares. I'm starting to doubt he would ever say "I love you" because he doesn't even know how that is suppose to feel like to him. 

I hope it hits him hard like a rock to his face! Hehe. His birthday is on the 4th and we have a fun day planned. I like making memories in new places doing new things with him. 

Dear Heart

You are ridiculous. Quit falling for all the wrong guys! Why do you fall so easily? It's dumb! Why would you care for people who don't give a damn about you. You are wasting your love. Let's learn to love those who deserve it. 

Love, 

The Brain 

Letting Love Go

I got sick this week and yesterday I took a day off to recover. He got off work and didn't consider visiting his sick gf. He had plan on sleeping over Thurs becuz he had volleyball game and has to sleep early. It was convenient to stay at my place. I was bothered and sent him some moody pms text about how he doesn't care and this relationship is to kill time. He agreed and decided to break up with me by deleting things off his fb and Instagram. How fucking immature is that? I freaked out and texted him. He finally unravelled and revealed how we are sexually incompatible and that we want different things in life (e.g. kids and husband) I had a sense he didn't care as much. In my moment of weakness I mentioned that I love him. I think that's why I'm butt hurt by his willingness to give all of this up. 

Tonight he brought my things and key back. I told him he can leave it in my patio. I was hoping he would knock on my door and want to work things out but I was being too hopeful. 

I think this is for the best. I'm more ready to let go this time compared to before. It was a nice two months. I hope he regrets what he let go. 

I know damn straight I'm worth it. He was too immature to see it. He had other priorities in life and I wouldn't have been happy living that way. 

Letting another love go. On to happier beginnings. 

Getting Through PMS

I realized that every month it gets hard to deal with my relationship. I am pessimistic about every aspect of it. I distance myself and I think the worst of him. It's terrible...

If I can make it through about a week of it then everything is dandy. When I get to see him, things do get more positive. 

For example, this week I was feeling like crap. I felt my life was the same way. I didn't see my boo since Sunday and I didn't think I would see him until Saturday. He did come by Thursday night and made me feel a whole lot better. By Friday and the weekend, I was a happy camper. Today while at his place, I wrote 8 little sweet messages on sticky pads and placed it around for him to find when he gets home. He loved it. 

There were many random times where those 3 little words wanted to come out but I held my tongue. I want him to feel it without any ideas from me. I don't know if he would ever say it but I am content waiting it out. It'll be worth the wait! 

Bite my Tongue

I've been catching myself thinking and saying to myself the word "love" and with him in mind. Am I being ridiculous? It feels natural for me to think and say it. I can't do it... Because I don't think he feels the same. 

It was this past week, Wed, that he said "I miss you" in person. I was walking out of the kitchen when he caught me and pulled me back. For a second, I thought he was going to say and said "I love you." I guess I was being too hopeful. It was sweet nevertheless. It would be sweeter to hear him say those other words. 

I'll try to hold off and bite my tongue when the thoughts come. 

Some Kind of Love

I swear I don't fall in love easily.
I've been dating this guy off and on since October and now we are in a relationship. There are times when we are cuddling or when I'm thinking of him, that I want to say "I love you". The way he hugs me, caresses me, and kiss me makes me head over heels.

He said he may have been in love once when he was younger, but he has never been in love since then. I find that unbelievable. He has been in many relationships. I am curious what the issues were.

Would he know that he is in love when he feels it?

I am trying to not smother him with all my feelings, so I try to hold back a bit. I give him some time to himself, and not text him constantly. If I had a choice, I would want to see him like every day, cuddle with him to sleep every night, and kiss him every morning when I wake up.

I know at this stage the love I feel is not the deep feelings I had with my exes. It is still the love where I care about the person passionately. I am not going to be sharing this with him, because I think he already knows how much I like him. I question how much he likes me though...I can tell he's not as experienced in being in a serious long term relationship.

I wonder if he would say "I love you" first if we ever get to that point. I don't know how long I can hold that in.

Happy Now, Worry Later

On January 10th, 2015 I decided to be happy now and worry about the future later. As cliche as it may sound, life is too short to be unhappy. It is better to make the wrong decision than regret not making that decision.

I don't know what's going to happen in a couple of months, a year, or years from now.
I love to love, and I want to love him.

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb!

Dumb, dumb, and dumb all around! Great way to start the new year, right?

I am asking to get hurt. I made a decision to basically live in the present and be happy. I'm ignoring all possible negative consequences.It is definitely not the smartest idea.

I am not the type of person who can detach my feelings from it, so this whole situation will be affecting me. I am basically denying it, and lying to myself. So far I am a terrible liar!

Last night, I had a dream I was posting a status update on my Facebook, and it read, "know your worth".
Do I value my worth? If I did, would I do this?

I don't know what to believe. A part of me tells me to stay, and another part of me is disgusted with what I am doing. I am PMSing and I am frustrated with all these thoughts!

Moving on...once again!

Oh, how many have come and gone...
Actually, I've been the one who has been leaving them.

There's always something with each relationship that makes it unsuccessful. It's usually the chemistry, attraction, and compatibility. I move on from one guy to the next.

I am in the midst of moving on again from a guy whom I am totally in like with. We dated for a week, and when I found out he doesn't want anymore kids, I had to break it off. A month later, he found me and we started talking again, supposedly as friends. Well one thing led to another, and we were seeing each other again. I kept reminding myself I need to end it. I can't repeat this similar situation again. It has been difficult to let go...

We have such great chemistry together. I miss the way he cuddles with me, and how he holds me. I miss the random kisses on my head, shoulders, and lips. I miss talking to him. I miss him, period.

At the moment, I can't give up the plan of having another kid. I have hope of finding love and having another kid. I really need to move on from this one, so I am ready for the right one to come along.

I've done this so many times, I can do it again now! I...must...not...contact...him....

Another Came and Gone

Last Friday I said good bye to another guy after dating him for about 2 months. Communication wasn't the way I want it to be and I needed it to be better than what I had before. I rather leave it than work on changing it. It doesn't mean I am going to run from every prob I have with a guy though. 

I miss talking and hanging out with him. Maybe I just miss the idea of spending time with someone I like. 

I miss his dog too. She was sweet. 

I am ready to move on again. There are days where I feel like it's hopeless but I need to be more patient. 

Fingers crossed. 

Direction

I am heading in the right direction.

Another week and a half, and I will be moving.
I am letting him go and getting over him.
I am breaking my ties...

I'm figuring out my new life. It seems like there's a lot I need to do, but I am getting it done.

I am proud of myself for having the courage to do this.
I am doing it for myself, and indirectly it will be good for everyone else. 

I am already looking forward to my new positive direction in life.

The Giving Tree

If all you wanted was love
Why would you use me up
Cut me down, build a boat, and sail away
When all I wanted to be was your giving tree
Settle down, build a home, and make you happy?

Losing Love

I wish we had a fight. I wish I was angry at you. I wish I hate you, so that losing you wouldn't be so hard. In my past long term relationships, they were always bad falling outs. It made moving on easier. Now I know how it feels to simply lose love...just like that.

Am I suppose to let all of these feelings go? How? 

*sighs*

Time to Toughen Up

I know what I need to do, and I am going to do it.

Life has a way of working things out. Yes, my pregnancy wasn't planned, but I gave birth to the love of my life. I had to postpone completing my education, but I finished it eventually and I started my career. My marriage failed, but I found love again. Although this love has been complicated, I don't know what will happen to it yet. Life never goes as planned or on my schedule. As long as I have my goals in mind, I will achieve them sooner or later.

I want to be married to someone I love and who loves me in return. I want to have at least one more child. I want to own a home and raise my family. I want to continue to be passionate about my job. I want to remain close to all sides of my family. I want my happily ever after.

I know what I need to do to get there.

In Pieces

I want to smash my heart into little pieces as my life breaks into pieces. Maybe then, it would stop hurting. I don't want to feel anymore.

It's hard to pretend to love someone when you don't, and it's harder to pretend to not love someone when you do.

I've been sad... I've been finding other things in life to keep me happy, but overall I am sad. I don't know what to do.

30, A Turning Point

I am coming to a big milestone in my life...turning 30! How time has flown by. I want to rewind back the time to when I was a kid again. At home with my family and playing with my brothers, with no care in the world.

Time to face reality and my ever changing life. It is a turning point, where I hope to find greater happiness. I know things will need to fall apart first, before they come together again.

I feel pressured with the ticking of the clock to get my life together quickly. I want to find someone I can be happy with, and have a family. I don't want to rush anything, but I do wonder how quickly I can find someone, get to know them, develop a serious relationship, get married, and get pregnant again.

Another part of me feels like I don't deserve any of it. At 30, I wanted to have a happy family with kids, and a career. Yet, here I am breaking up a family and chances of having more kids. Maybe I am not grateful enough for what I have, and this is the best it will get.

Unhappy birthday to me...

Independence

While home alone today, I twisted my ankle. I fell to the ground and cried, not only in pain, but I realized no one cares. They are not suppose to care and they have no reason to care.

I need to grow up and deal with it all. It's my problem, and no one else. I was careless and sprained my ankle.I sucked it up, stopped crying, and crawled into bed. I took a nap and slept through the pain.

I have ended all my relationships. I need to learn to be more independent again. Being in a relationship and living with someone has made me lazy and more emotionally dependent. I have to do things for myself and deal with my issues. This also means I will be blogging more...

As I adjust to the challenges of this independence, I am feeling crappy.

What I really miss most about a relationship is loving someone. I want to give him my attention, hugs, kisses, and do thoughtful/sweet things. Getting those things are nice, but giving them makes me happier. I will be sadder now.

I will miss him...

Selfishness

My selfishness...
My happiness..
I made decisions for it all.
Why do I find myself sad, lost, and alone?
Hurting those I love...
Tell me, there is good in this misery.
Tell me, this is for the best.
Tell me, they will be better...
All because of my selfishness. 

Differences

You look into my eyes and tell me you love me.
I love you too.

BUT...

I want a family.
You do not.

NOW...

I have to decide.
You have to decide.

The relationship will not work with this difference.

:-(

Love Will Remember

"...You said you loved me,
I said I loved you back,
What happened to that?
What happened to that?

All your promises,
And all them plans we had,
What happened to that?
What happened to that?

Boom gone,
Yeah, we move on
Even if we try to forget..."