Not Good Enough

"He makes me feel beautiful..."

How many times have I heard this cliche? Too often in fictional romance.

Is it even possible for a person to make someone feel this way. If it is true, I would like to meet this person. I want to feel beautiful. I have a lot of insecurities about my appearance, as you can tell from my previous entry.

Shouldn't the person you're in love with suppose to make you feel beautiful? Well I'm not feeling it... I feel the opposite. I know his preferences and what he considers "hott" and "sexy". It's the typical guy definition: big boobs, skinny, blonde, pretty face, and etc.

I have none of those and I do not even come close to comparing to those type of girls. When I see his friends who seems to fit those descriptions, I get insecure. I feel even yuckier.

Most of the time I feel like I'm not good enough.

Slight Anorexia?

I am about 105lbs now for a 5'3'' shorty, which is less than what I was before I got pregnant. I'm glad I was able to lose all that pregnancy weight and then some. On the other hand, I still feel F-A-T. I want to be skinner.

There are areas where all the fat seems to like to hang out like the mid section and thighs. Ugh! Those are tough areas to tone. People tell me I'm not fat, but I disagree. I want to lose those fatty parts, but I wonder if my weight would go down.

Logically, I know I shouldn't be weighing less than a 100 since anything below 110 is already below average BMI. If losing more weight is what I need to do to look better in my clothes, then that is what I want to do. I want to squeeze in tight skinny leg jeans and body hugging tops without having to see rolling hills of fat. Do I sound like a person with a slight anorexia? I love food though and I do eat three meals a day.

Second year in college I reached my lowest weight ever at around 96lbs. My ex had made me more self conscious of my body but I didn't have any intentions in weighing that much. I remembered weighing about 107lbs, and my ex said I looked like I weighed 13lbs more. Big difference!He was implying I was chubby. It's not something any girl wants to hear, especially if they have self image issues.

Throughout college, I maintain to keep my weight under 105-110lbs. After college, I let myself go a bit and I reached my highest of about 124lbs. Most girls out there is probably thinking, "skinny b*tch, why are you complaining?!" I know I'm not really fat, but I'm not fit either.

Well we will see, once I start working on shaping up.

"...So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears..."
-Smokey Robinson

How do you avoid drama in your life?
Sometimes I don't know what to do but bottle up all my issues inside. As long as it doesn't explode, I should be good, right? It gets depressing on days when you happen to let it leak through. Late nights in bed is no fun either, but at least most of the time the days are drama free.

*sighs*

'Tis the Season

I love the holidays and the whole atmosphere of generosity. Around town you hear about toys and food drives, coats for kids, donations for the salvation army, etc. Everyone is shopping for gifts to give to family and friends. It's wonderful to give as it is to receive.

Some people lose sight of what this season is about. They focus on a list of things they want rather than a list of what to give others. I don't want to hear what you want me to get you. You should be grateful I'm getting you anything at all. Wasn't Thanksgiving enough to remind us this year to be thankful for what we have and receive.

Growing up, my siblings and I didn't get much during Christmas and they were always practical things. We were not spoiled like most kids nowadays. As I grew up and finally had money to buy things for myself, I enjoyed giving presents. It made up for the lack there of during childhood.

Remember, 'tis the season to give.

I Miss My Honey

Is my honeymoon phase over already? No, I'm not talking about the romantic getaway after marriage. I'm talking about the very beginning of a relationship, where it was coated with sugar, spice, and everything nice. A time where you can't bare to part from your "other half" and you think about him/her every 10 minutes when you're away. You run up your cellphone minutes or texts. You call each other all the possible cutesy nicknames. You leave little messages dotted with X's and O's all over the place. You doll yourself up and go out at least once a week. PDA's become natural as breathing. I'm sure you get my point now. Everyone who has or is in a relationship know what I'm talking about.

The honeymoon phase is such a gradual transition. You don't realize it until one day you're sitting around on the couch with hair all nappy and no makeup...it's over! The notes lying around are grocery lists. The lovely flowers you used to get just because got replaced with fake ones. Conversations over the phone become short and sweet. All the sugar and cherries on top are gone. Relationships change and hopefully for everyone it's bitter sweet.

I welcome the growth and maturity of the relationship but miss the "honey". Couples shouldn't lose sight of the romance, because keeping the spark alive is essential to a healthy relationship. Life has gotten so busy that sometimes we take little things for granted, such as a kiss good morning or a random text in the middle of the day to let you know you were thought of.

Reminder to self and others: keep the honeymoon phase alive!

Wrong Turn?

If I can go back in time to that fork in the road, I would pick the other road instead of the one I have chosen.

The road I am on right now is a tad bumpy at times, but it's not like I hate it. I wonder what it would be like on the other road and where it would have led to. Would I have been happier?

I'll never know...

It bothers me that I would even have such thought of not wanting to be on this path.

I just can't lie to myself or anyone else that I'm completely happy with my decision.

Maybe I did make the wrong turn at that fork or maybe not.

Anger Management

When I get super angry and frustrated, I tend to punch things. I guess it's a way for me to release some of it. I'm in such a strong state of anger that the intense throbbing pain in my knuckles don't even bother me. I haven't broken anything yet...no walls, mirrors, nor my own bones.

Perhaps I need a less destructive way to channel out such emotions. I've tried writing, but that gets me more upset since I would be thinking about it more. Crying helps too, and it usually happens after my punching. Venting is not a good idea either since I don't want to talk to anyone during the climax of my emotions.

As you can see, I am not left with many options.