A Memory...

I watched "The Vow" with the hottie Channing Tatum and the lovely Rachel McAdams. I liked it because it was a cute, cheesy, love story and the ending wasn't what I expected. Plus, I'm one of those girls who dreams of being in love like in the movies and fairy tales. Anyways....don't know why, but Channing always remind me of a past. As I drove home tonight, I had a sense of nostalgia as I remembered this...

A Memory...at least of how I remembered it.

I arrived at an unfamiliar apartment complex late in the evening. I was sure I came to the correct place because I saw his silhouette standing there, lit up by the lamps around the complex. I walked towards him. I could see he had his hands in his pockets, but I couldn't see his face yet. I assume he was smiling because he was smiling once I came close enough to see him. He looked different than what I imagined him to be, but in a good way. I don't remember how we greeted each other for the first time. Maybe just a "hi" or a hug?

He led me to his apartment, where he was in the midst of cooking us dinner. We made small talks as I looked around the living room and kitchen, and I watched him cooked. I'm a pretty good cook now, but back then I was clueless around the kitchen. I remember eating around the coffee table in the living room rather than at the little dining table, but then again I could be wrong. I don't even remember what he served me that night, but the cornbread was delicious! I think this was the night I discovered my love for cornbread. I also remember having a big glass of red wine, and sampling a couple of cheeses. This was also the night I learned that I am not fond of blue cheese. blah!

We chit chatted the whole evening. I remember asking him about a book he was reading, and he shared about how he likes to write. We talked, laughed, and talked some more into the night. The whole time I was feeling a little uncomfortable...It was by the way he looked at me and smiled. I could see the smile just by looking into his eyes. I glanced away often, so I wouldn't make things awkward. I think he continued to give me that look and smile as I looked away. Well the evening came to an end, and he walked me to my car. I don't remember how we said our farewells either. Maybe a hug or simply a "goodnight"?

As I drove back to my place on the dimly lit roads, I thought about the lovely evening I had...and that I hope I find my way home. I did...

Anywhere but Here

I am trying so hard to let go of the past, but it's easier said than done. It's very difficult to forget things and those who have hurt me.

Being here reminds me of those times...I am honestly happier when I am away.

I wish I was somewhere else but here.

A New Year...

Here we are in 2012.
Status: Married

Does this new year means a new beginning for us? Hmmm...maybe.

Last summer was awful, but we continued with our wedding plans. I made myself believe things will be better once we're "happily married." Well was I bullshitting myself. Being married takes on a new title, more obligations, and more expectations, which we were both not prepared for.

He f****ed up again a couple of weeks before our wedding ceremony, after a trip to Reno for his bachelor party. I am not going to relive those feelings by writing about it here, but I cried every time I thought about it. He did not cheat, but what he did made me question his loyalty and his love. How can I marry someone I doubt even loves me or has eyes for other girls?

Somehow I was able to move on from that heartbreak, forced myself to finish all the wedding plans, and convinced myself to marry this guy. "Maybe our relationship will be better...Things will be different...I will be happy again..."

Besides checking out the girl's photos a couple of months ago, he hasn't done anything really stupid since then. (btw, it's the same girl we had issues over last summer) I just ignored it because I can't do anything about it, and he will probably give me another one of his lame excuse. He's better at hiding things and covering his tracks now for sure. He deletes his texts and history on his laptop. What I don't see, won't hurt me right?

Okies, he has turned me into a psycho woman who goes through his phone and laptop. Don't blame me for my crazy behaviors, because he was the one who made me lose trust.

Less trust leads to less love and more problems!
Welcome to married life!

Tracks of my Tears

"...Although I might be laughin' loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears...

Outside I'm masquerading
Inside my hope is fading
Just a clown oh yeah
Since you put me down
My smile is my make up..."
-Smokey Robinson
  

I like most of the lyrics in this song.
It's about being sad after a breakup but for me, it's about being
sad after being broken.

I got through yesterday without exploding in anger again.
Even when my son threw a bowl of food at me, I didn't
say a word. Although I have been calm in my actions I am
not the same anymore. I will eventually get over being
upset, but I will always be disappointment and sad.

At the end of the day, after holding in all my emotions
I break down. I get away by just going to bed early. Perhaps
in my dreams I would be happier.

Three times is NOT a charm.

Ooops, he did it again!

It has been a while since our last relationship discussion. I have given back some of that trust that he lost, but now he completely lost it.

My main problem is not that he has friends that are girl because I have friends that are guys. We "trust" each other. My problem is him flirting with them. I discussed this issue twice with him already. I expressed what I don't like about it and how it made me feel. He agreed to not do it again. Now, we are here again. It hurts me more since it's the same girl and what was said is worse.

You know you don't want me to know that is why you hide it from me. Bad things catch up to you. A little slip up and the truth is revealed. I am extremely disappointed, angry, and sad.

Sooner or later if this continues, I will break. I will not stand to be unhappy because I know I deserve better.

I discussed with him. His excuse this time is that he didn't purposely do it to hurt me, and he didn't know what he said would hurt me. It all comes down to the fact that he doesn't give a crap! He doesn't think about how I would feel. He does whatever he wants and just hopes I don't find out or get mad about it.

Our marriage is f***in' wonderful!

Oh, My Bad...

Oh, I must insecurely apologize for "jumping to conclusions" and taking things out of context. Yes, my bad.

Those comments to those female friends "was just that." Aww and one of them you consider your little sister... whom you check out. I doubt your real sister ever get compliments from you. Basically, he has no reasonable explanation really or any contexts that may change the meaning of those comments. Every time, I never get a different explanation than what I already know. It was just that and apparently it's A-okay to act like your not in a relationship.

Yes, I do know how much you work and that's just your job. You have to work to live. Regardless if you have a family, you would be working those same hours. Don't try to use your job as a reason for me to excuse your behaviors or for me to simply trust you. I work as much as you do being a mom, part time employee, and a full time student. I guess I am excused from anything I may do, right? I should be able to play that card too.

"I deserve more from you."
My response, DITTO! I do give you more than you deserve. I should not have to doubt you or be in a relationship were you make me feel like crap!

In conclusion, marriage is an option...and so is divorce.

Tying the Knot or Not?

Since my last blog, I'm back to my "dandy" self. I haven't had any discussions with him. I managed to put it aside and try not to think about it. He knew something was bothering me the day of my discovery and rant, but didn't inquire more into it after that. Who cares, right?

I question whether I want to tie the knot this year or not. Are we both ready? Some of us don't act like it sometimes... Right now, I'm not bound to some extent. I must admit, JC is the only one who's holding me back. Without JC, I would be able to just take off whenever.

There are days where I'm in a better mood, and those are the times where I would plan our wedding day. On the other days, when I'm supposedly having "mood swings", I rather have my options.

The deciding factor is my trust. Can I trust you to be honest? Can I trust you to unconditionally love me? Can I trust you to make me happy for the most part? I am skeptical.

I'm sure having all these issues piling up isn't helping much. I do want to talk about it, but never find the opportunity to. Days when I'm in a good mood, I don't want to talk about something that would ruin my day. When I'm already in a bad mood, I don't want to talk about something that would make it worse. Plus, we don't have the time. He's either working, spending time with JC, or having some Me-time. I would watching JC when he's busy or doing hw when he's watching JC. See the dilemma?

We should make time...I know. On the other hand, I think I care more about this than he does. Well I have until mid-June to make my final decision. We have until then to possibly resolve our issues, or MY issues.